It is after midnight and raining outside. The sound of the raindrops against my window make me feel safe and comfortable while my thoughts run wild through my mind and keep me awake.
I haven’t slept properly for a few weeks now and every night the same thoughts keep me awake. Every night I think of all the things I don’t like about myself and all the reasons why other people are better than me. I think of all the girls that are prettier and smarter and would make a much better match for my boyfriend. I think of all the reasons why my boyfriend should leave my and how broken I would be if he did. I think of the smallest things that are wrong with me and how they all make me feel like I’m not good enough. I compare myself with others and lose all of my confidence.
Each night I break myself down over and over and over again, and wake up with a broken heart every day.
I can’t look in the mirror without seeing nothing but flaws…
I’m sick of it! I’m broken, beaten down, hurt, ashamed of myself, afraid to go out in public and in tears every day. All because of myself … I’m doing this to myself over and over again each day and every night. I make myself feel insecure, ugly , fat, dumb and not good enough.
And the worst part of it al is the fact that I’m not doing anything about it. But that is going to end now…
I’ve been gaining weight the last few weeks and I’m not happy with how my body looks at the moment and every day I look in the mirror with tears in my eyes.
But I’ve never done something about it and that is going to change.
I feel insecure because I lost control of my body and my life, and the fact that everything isn’t going how I want it to go makes me sad and give up way to quickly.
Every day I think I’m not in control of what happens or what I do or how everything turns out for me.
But I was wrong all along… I have always had control of everything, I’ve just been giving up. Every day I give up…
I made myself lose control and I didn’t do anything. I just watched myself lose me. And for what? Why?
I don’t know.
And the sadest part of this all is that I’m not the only one! All over the world people are doing this to themselves…
No one deserves to think about him- or herself this way.
We all deserve a happy life and a smile on our face every day and every night for the rest of our lifes! We deserve to be happy with who we are and to be able to see how special and beautifull we are in our own way.
Only if we love ourselfe for who we are now we can start working on ourselfe. Because if you hate yourself for who you are in this moment, you will continue hating yourself no matter how much you change.
You have to see that you are at least as pretty as all the other girls or that you are as smart as all other people. You will never be the same as someone else and there may be someone taller, skinier or with better grades than you. But that doesn’t mean you are less pretty or less smart…
You are as pretty and as smart as everyone else, but in your own way. And if you think you have to lose a few pounds or if you want to learn more about something, than you should make that change. But never forget to be happy with who you are before you make that change.
And if you decide to make a change, you have to believe in yourself! You can do everything you want if you dare to push yourself.
You deserve to be fought for … so why not fight for yourself?
Well, I’m going to fight for myself and start to learn how to love myself and start treating myself the way I deserve to be treatened.
I’m going to work-out more and do the things that make me happy.
And this time I won’t give up …