This is a story that is hard for me to tell, but important for me to share. Because is has been a huge part of my life and made me to who I am today. And for that reason I wouldn’t change a thing about what happened.
When I was 15 I realised I was a chubby girl. And I am not saying that there is something wrong with being chubby! But I didn’t feel comfortable in my own body. And that was the reason I went on a diet and changed the way I eated. I started with replacing 2 meals a day with protein shakes and stopped eating candy or other unhealthy foods. And this worked out great for me. I didn’t cheat on my diet and lost 5 kilo’s (= 11 pounds) in one or two months. But I knew I had to find another way to eat healthy and lose/maintain weight. Because I couldn’t drink shakes whole my life… So I stopped with my protein diet and replaced the shakes with healthy meals like a fruitbowl or a healthy sandwich. I also started working out and doing zumba, abs,…. I kept on losing weight and started to feel more and more comfortable in my own body. And that is where it went wrong.
I started to eat less and less till the moment I would only drink 2 coffees trough the day and eat a little bit in the evening. I never allowed myself to eat something like chocolate or ice-cream,… At this point I was on the edge of becoming anorexic. This scared my family and friends. So I decided to eat more again and allow myself a bit of chocolate now and then. But I kept working out and working on my body. But because I didn’t allow myself these foods for what was almost 2 years, I couldn’t control myself to eat small proportions. This made me gain weight again and made me panic. Because all the work I putted in my health and body had been for nothing.
I felt bad about myself and started to hate my own body again. I started to feel depressed because my body had been my priority for so long…And now I was losing everything I worked so hard for. But I couldn’t stop myself from eating these unhealthy things. So I started looking for a solution, a way to be able to eat what I wanted but not gain weight. And this is where my bulimia started… At first I only did it once or twice a week and I had the feeling I was in total control of bulimia. But it escalated quickly. Before I knew it I did it two to three times a day. And I wasn’t able to eat a meal without throwing up afterwards. I didn’t go out with friends or go to school because of my bulimia. I lost all control of my eating disorder… I stopped working out and started to feel sick every day. I lost all courage in life and didn’t feel the drive to do anything. After a year struggling with my bulimia I wanted to get help and told my mother about my eating disorder. She supported me and did everything she could to help me beat bulimia. But nothing worked… It kept on getting worse… I lost my boyfriend, friends, school, work,… And after two years I reached my breaking point. and my body said “stop”. I felt empty… physically and mentally. I just wanted to die… And I wasn’t far from it…My body was giving up and so was I.
I felt all alone and my boyfriend, who was the only one I really trusted and wanted to be with, left me. So I had no one anymore… At least that is what I thought. I was at the edge of ending everything, when my family came. They cathed me and had my back. They were there for me … even after everything I did wrong. They still loved me unconditionally. And I don’t know why.. I didn’t deserve their love and support. I had been a bad person to them for so long. I had pushed them away and had ignored their help for years. But they stayed right behind me and took me in without hesitating. They made me feel loved again and gave me a reason to keep fighting. So I did… I made a change. Not just for me, but for my family. For all the people who stayed with me and made me strong again.
I beat bulimia and started eating healthy and working out daily again. I laugh again and feel happy. But most important I have learned what real love is… And learned who really matter in life. I have learned that I will never be alone and I will never have to face something all by myself… But I also realise that it is me who has to make that change.
I know this wasn’t a happy story, but it is a chapter of my life. And it made me stronger and wiser. It is a part of my life I will never forget… But I don’t want to.
I justi want you guys to know that you are not alone and thee is so much to fight for! And even though you are the one that has to make the change. You will always have you family and the people who really love you, that will support you and have your back no mater what you decide. And it are those people that make it worth fighting for!
I hope you guys enjoyed my story …. Because I enjoyed sharing it with you ^^.
Lots of love and kisses -xxx- Justine