Is it a subject to be interested at ?
Do I pretend to have depression ?
Can I just be okay for a longer period ?
Will I survive this ?
I consistently get up and feel down , not up to do anything or talk to anyone...
I most of the time have insomnia because of overthinking and if not
I have successive nightmares and hallucinations that wake me feeling scared
and trembling..
My mind keep on convincing me that I am alone , I am unloved , I am worthless and
my life's meaningless , like I belong nowhere.. Have no one to talk to , no one
to hug me , no one to lean on , no one to listen ...
That literally destroys me leaving me with a feeling that splits my heart in little
pieces...
Not only this but having Some feelings of emptiness like I had something
I used to do and I no more know what it is is or have access to it  ..
like I miss someone and I had someone I used to talk to and he's no more here
so I keep on feeling empty searching for that invisible person in my memory ..
Then I want to give up trying to survive , I no more want to be strong or
pretend that things will get better by time.. Like there's nothing to change ,
nothing to push me ahead ..
However , even if I go out and try to forget some of my hard time , when I get
home I feel imprionant again ...
Yesterday,  I went out with my cousin and he's one of the friends that wants
to help me out from this sadness that keep on chasing me but I no more want
to run away from it letting it hold me in!
Like even if they tried to help me to fight depression back , they're not always in
to remind me how loved I am or to show me my way out , even if I talked about it ,
nothing helps to save me from myself.
I today admit that I no more want this life to continue , I wanna end it...
then I have more thoughts to share , I wanna get help , I wanna someone to push me
again to survive , I don't want to let the suicidal thoughts get in again..
I don't want to go back to selfharm after being clean
for like a year and eleven months..I don't want to face that again ..
I need help and I don't know how to get it.. #notes 

Talking about my depression