#iamacreator

WOULD LIKE FEEDBACK!

I want to ask you for honest feedback. Feel free to be critical with asking questions, giving responses and therefore also feedback. In the end, I hope to really publish this story as a book. However, I am still far from that point, since some pieces of text are still missing, some suddenly need to be written out even further and some language errors still need to be corrected. So I am thankful to all those who are critical and can help me to further perfect my story in this way.

Prologue.

A beeping noise scares fourteen-year-old Anne awake. Immediately she sits up in bed. She rubs the sleep out of her eyes and looks around. With her eyes half open, she sees white walls and blue curtains. But these aren't, no, these can't be the colors she has in her bedroom! It's pounding in her head and it looks like a knot has been tied in her stomach. Anne is so confused that she does not recognize her own room. And what if it's true, that it's not her own room? So where is she?

She tries to figure out what's wrong with this picture. “Think carefully, Anne.'It just doesn't want to work that way. Why isn't her memory working right now? 'Come on now Anne', she says out loud to herself this time and digs into her memories until it gives her a headache. And then suddenly: yes, she knows it again! Her curtains are not blue, which are red in color. And her walls aren't white, which are lined with posters of her idols and photos of her with her best friends. Now that it dawns on her that she is not at home, the question arises where she is? An environment that is strange to her, anyway. She looks calmly around the room again. Next to her, she sees a pole with some cabinet attached to it. There is an empty pocket on the pole, a tube attached to it. Anne follows the tube with her eyes and then suddenly realizes that she has woken up in a hospital bed. The beep that woke her up is the one from the infusion that says she is empty. She rubs where the tube ends and now also feels the stinging pain of the infusion needle poking her arm. What is that needle in an unfortunate place, she thinks to herself.

Loading full article...

12 comments
Another thing: people who are in a coma do not talk in their sleep. You should also check this out. Also a few lists, which can be worded differently. Sorry, I'm looking at it with an editorial eye.
@Martine77 regarding the part of the coma, I can't participate in the feedback. Nowhere is it about Anne being in a coma. It has been described that she talked in her sleep, something that does happen.
More replies (2)
Starts exciting. I do have a few comments. You're already giving a little too much information about a dangerous friendship. Leave the reader in the dark a bit. Start at ground zero. A lot has also been written repeatedly and a lot of “not”, something I rec... Show more
@Martine77 how would you write this piece? Why not let the dangerous friendship lie dormant? It is not yet known, I think, what kind of dangerous friendship is involved. That whole part has already been removed. First, all the information was given away.... Show more
More replies (1)
+20 YP
Like
What a poignant start to this story! I definitely want to read more of this!
It also comes at a special time. Just this morning, I told my new director about my accident and hospital experience. I think that's why it comes in deeper than average.
@Flying Eagle can be arranged for the next part to be online, in the 10 comments I post the next part. So who do you invite to read along too?
More replies (2)