When I was a child, I stay on the corner every time I feel bad. I noticed there were only few people who loves me — perhaps there were two — my lolo and tatay. My other family members? I don't know. I doubt their love for me even my parents' love. When my other siblings have done the mistake, I don't know, but I always got the blame. It was I who got scolded and hit by a stick. When they scold me, I cried a lot. I can still recall when I learned how to make a voiceless cry. There were numerous of times I wished and asked God to get me killed. The day I got the idea of the voiceless cry, I went to the corner crying. I pursed my lips ang I am devoured by silence with my tears falling from my eyes through my cheeks. Since that day, I never tried to open up my frustrations. No, I did once. But, I only got nothing. It was when I realized, some people just dont care. Then, I started to distance myself from people. I share my stories which people won't find OA. I'm done with mockery and being treated as if I'm nothing.
In JHS, I became more distant. I have build walls around me. There were only few who could see through me. Nonetheless, they still knew a little about my story. Yes, I lost my trust a long time ago. When I feel bad, I keep it myself. When I feel sad, I keep it myself. I keep everything I feel. I showed them I am fearless but no, I'm not. I'm hiding in a shell. The surface looks unbreakable but the thing inside is too fragile. Since then, they were scared on me. No person ever once tried to throw insults nor jokes at me.
In SHS, I became more mysterious. As usual, there are stories I share but I dont share most of my feelings. It was the time I felt I had no friends. I was a little depress those times but I stayed strong. I convinced myself that it would only cost me two years. Two years for me wayback is not that long. I met friends in SHS. But, there are days I find that I don't belong. It was something I feel in JHS. I feel I was an outcast. As a result, I appeared more serious than I was in JHS. I talked less. God knows how much I wanted to talk those days. But, I always feel I cant trust somebody. Consequently, I remained shutting my mouth. I watch them laugh. I laugh with them sometimes. But, the more I smile the more I realize that I don't belong.
In college, I have changed for the better because I met people I can say who cares enough for me. My day became more vibrant than it was. I get excited for school everyday because I know I get to see these people again. I value them so much. They have changed my life. They are there to listen. They never made me feel I'm alone. They always make me feel I belong. They make me laugh without me overthinking.
Despite these changes, there are stories I cant tell them. Stories I need to keep myself because I know they can't do something about it. That's why I write. I write because it has been my escape. It is my way to overcome my feelings.
Prior to college, I dont know what to do with my untold stories. I just literally keep them myself. However, my degree has taught me what I should do. That was when I learn I could write it. Writing my negativities has lessened my pain, frustration, and grief. It takes out the thorns in my heart. I wont deny there are times I cry while I'm writing. It is because when I write, it is like recalling everything. It is like telling someone else about my story. The only difference is that, my confidante is not a person but it is either a notebook or notes in phone.
My experience since then has turned me into someone who has difficulty in opening up. Maybe, I just lack the confidence. However, it can also be the result of lack in attention and love.