wakeupkitty

· 20 Jan 2021

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Behind the window

Today it's not so cold, the windows in my bedroom are not frozen. Cold I am. Electric blanket still jug help me through the cold night. Going to bed is no fun. Wims in my ears to prevent the earache from cold, put on a hat that I lose during the night, a fleece blanket over my pillow whose sides I fold around my head. Nothing as bad as cold on the head, brain literally cracking.
Forced I lie still, as still as possible on my back. A sore back that caused me to lie on my left side for over 20 years. Of course I turn around, I shift my head a couple of centimeters. Good enough to get rid of the blanket, the hat and the wimps.
My eyes.... For weeks I have been suffering from itchy eyeballs, red veins, swollen and inflamed eyelids... My feet, ankles covered by warm Christmas socks aren't warm after hours. Chills followed by heat gusts, hot flashes that make me fly up and wait in the freezing cold until it's over.
About? It does not pass, but is a recurring something about four times an hour. Heat attack followed by shivering from the cold. I do not like to stink, cold sweat... it's literally freezing cold and you don't get much warmer in a soaked “pajamas” of sweat.
The sunglasses I wear in a dark house cause skin inflammations, eczema in the places where it hits my face. Rash that I'll be sweet with for the next six weeks.
When I wake up, I'm exhausted, sick and overjoyed that I don't have to go to school anymore. I'm sorry, but I can't.
Still in bed I feel my cork dry skin. “I have to anoint myself again”, I think and “what is my stomach cold I lie under the covers. Is a cold belly in babies not a sign of hypothermia? ”

Dehydrated. It does not matter how many times I ointment myself I eye dehydrated, am dehydrated and nothing changes. A lifelong problem I'm struggling with and no doctor has an answer to or even responds to. “Don't whine.”
Is it whining when your eyes can't open? If eyelids are literally stuck to your eyeballs, there are cracks in the nose and mouth, and your skin sounds like sandpaper? Ear pain due to lack of fluid, eye inflammation for the same reason. I drink and drink, I walk my head to the toilet, but it doesn't matter. Thinking back this is not a problem that has just arisen but has been playing it for at least 20-25 years. A long time when the pleasure slowly disappears and stay alive, function a little, is the biggest struggle, the question is why? Why would I go to that trouble?

“Keep a few more years”, I promise myself, “a few more years then they will manage, they have each other and the dogs are dead.”

Blind as I am I groping at the bottle of eye drops. My eyeballs feel weird behind the closed members. One drop is enough.. would be enough to open my eyes. It helps but also runs over my face like a silent tear. The tears I've been missing for years. The bottle is almost empty and so am I.. Empty. Old and written off by everyone. The man who can't do anything anymore, locked in memories and who at most the old dog can still care about.