Coercive Control: Langzaam doodgaan door sluipender gif dan het coronavirus


Coercive Control:

Langzaam doodgaan door sluipender gif dan het coronavirus

Tien jaar geleden was ik voor hulpverleners een moedig slachtoffer die vocht voor haar lichamelijk herstel na gruwelijke gewelddaden. Ik werd geprijsd dat ik tussen de operaties en revalidaties door een toegewijde moeder was met hoge pedagogische kwaliteiten.


Na enige tijd werd ik plots als de helft van een vecht scheidend koppel bekeken en is mijn veilige thuishaven in de ogen van wat zich professional noemt plots gewijzigd in een verontrustende thuissituatie.


Toch ben ik als persoon niet veranderd. Ik ben nog steeds overlever van jarenlang meervoudig geweld en heb nog steeds de pedagogische kwaliteiten van weleer. Ik heb er enkel nog een trauma bovenop gekregen, deze keer niet uiterlijk, maar als sluipend gif . Ik ben bijna tien jaar slachtoffer van coercive control, waarbij ik en mijn kind dag in dag uit proberen te overleven binnen de beangstigende wereld van justitie. Gruwelijke praktijken waarin niet enkel de pathogene ouder mij en het gezamenlijk kind verder mishandeld, maar waarin liegende advocaten, verkeerd opgeleide consulenten en naïeve rechters ons lijden hebben omgetoverd in een zware overlevingsstrijd.


Ik heb een geregistreerde lichamelijke invaliditeit overgehouden aan gewelddaden. Na talrijke pijnlijke operaties en het opnieuw leren functioneren in de maatschappij, ben ik een nieuw persoon geworden. Uiterlijk dan toch en dat is het enige waar rechters vandaag naar kijken … je kan opnieuw steunen, stappen, hebt de rolstoel van weleer aan de kant kunnen schuiven, dus ben je geen overlever meer van partnergeweld. Jeetje, wat kunnen jullie rechters zich vergissen !!!


De machteloosheid die slachtoffers van coercive control bij intergenerationeel geweld ervaren is met geen woorden te beschrijven, want het herstel hieruit duurt heel wat langer dan het opnieuw leren bewegen van benen en tenen na zichtbaar geweld.


Ouders die van de ene burn-out in de andere belanden tot ze uiteindelijk de diagnose PTSS of CPTSS krijgen. Kinderen die in dissociatie geraken na jarenlang mentaal, fysiek en /of seksueel geweld en soms zelfs in een psychose terecht komen. Tieners die de mond gesnoerd worden, hetzij door de mishandelaar(s), advocaten, consulenten of zelfs door de rechter wanneer ze de waarheid op tafel willen gooien.


Hoeveel kinderen gaan anno 2020 kapot van verdriet omdat ze een toegewijde ouder moeten missen die machteloos toekijkt op coercive control of intimate terror? Hoeveel ouders en kinderen zouden verenigd kunnen worden en in tijden van het coronavirus elkaar kunnen terugvinden op een niet-verontrustende plaats waar enkel liefde, warmte en blijheid zou gedeeld worden? 


  • Ik was een beschermende mama toen mijn kind geboren werd (2007). 
  • Ik was een beschermende mama toen ik mijn kind wegtrok uit intra familiaal geweld (2010).
  • Ik was een beschermende mama toen ik smeekte de dader van coercive control te straffen en niet een onschuldig kind via een onterechte uithuisplaatsing (2015). 
  • Ik mag geen beschermende mama zijn nu mijn tiener zelf smeekbeden uit om tijdens een echt verontrustende situatie (corona) gewoon thuis te zijn bij de enige persoon waar hij zich veilig voelt en bij wie hij zijn stem als overlever van jarenlang geweld echt mag laten horen (2020).


Mieke Van Liefde, in gedachten bij de vele ouders die zich zorgen maken om hun eigen kinderen.

coercivecontrol

De manier waarop u uw ex-vrouw of ex-man behandelt, zal ook bepalen hoe uw kind later met zijn / haar partner omgaat:

Hoe het wel moet, kan u zien in deze ontroerende clip , hoe een vader het juiste voorbeeld geeft aan zijn zoon.

Jammer genoeg kunnen veel kinderen enkel maar dromen van zo'n voorbeeldige ouders.

Tekst : Mieke Van Liefde

Foto's: Gert Coppens, Centrum Ouders België & Nederland



Mieke Van Liefde

Auteur en Blogger over Destructieve Relaties en Falend Justitie
coercivecontrol

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Some thoughts on education in a changing world
A small disclaimerIn this article, I share my reflections on a few developments I would consider useful in the field of education. I’ve been interested in this topic for quite some time, but I am not a specialist by any stretch of the imagination. My engagement with the school system is limited to having been a student. The thoughts shared below are personal and just one human's point of view. Other opinions are, of course, welcome.In today’s world, the space between the present and the future seems to be contracting every day. The pace of innovation propels us forward with increasing speed, producing unprecedented change in our way of life and in how we learn, work and interact with each other. One of the great challenges of education is to keep up with this pace, preparing children and young people for a world that might no longer be the same they grew up in by the time they reach maturity. Therefore, it is crucial to teach them to deal with change, engaging with the world with a mindset at once curious, flexible, adaptable, discerning, creative and proactive. It also key to equip them with tools to help them preserve balance, well-being and health in both body and mind. Moreover, in a time as challenging as ours, schools cannot afford to be divorced from the more practical aspects of the world. They must certainly continue to be a vehicle for the acquisition of theoretical knowledge, but they should also play a part in providing children and young people with information, skills and habits that will be useful in all facets of their lives as individuals and as active members of society. Here are some aspects I believe it would be helpful to incorporate or to strengthen in our education systems: Mind-body balance - Disciplines such as meditation, yoga and tai chi could be a great addition to the school curriculum, alongside traditional sports and athletics, which seem thus far to have been the focus of most education systems when it comes to physical education. These kinds of activities would help kids quiet the mind, focus, pay attention to what goes on inside and create some space between stimulus and response. By generating greater awareness to thoughts, emotions, habits, behaviours and actions, they could improve concentration, help with stress and anxiety management and foster healthier social interaction, especially in situations of conflict. Internet - The Internet is a central part of contemporary life, and its relevance will only increase. Its incredibly fast development has meant that we are mostly learning by doing, and I believe we are still in an infant stage when it comes to understanding and managing all its potential benefits and downsides. Though children and young people are often much more familiarised with the online world than adults, it still seems important to help them deal with all its implications, whether that’s Internet etiquette and good behaviour, online bullying, online safety and privacy protection, good judgement in assessing the reputability of information and news sources, or authorship and copyright issues. Additionally, since a substantial part of commercial exchanges and of interactions between citizens and public services has become digital, citizenship studies could extend to teaching young people about online services they might have to use in the future when exercising their rights or fulfilling their obligations. However, it’s important to do this in a way that feels relatable to the intended audience. One way to achieve it could be for schools to partner up with content creators, influencers and other people children and young people look up to when implementing these topics in the curriculum. Creativity and problem-solving - In a world where information is literally at our fingertips, education systems should place a stronger focus on helping kids manage the huge amounts of data available to them, by applying critical thinking regarding their sources, learning to map them out to identify points of connection and patterns and looking for creative and useful ways to use them. In this last regard, children and young people should be encouraged to use the existing information in ways that are not merely passive (i.e. copying and pasting for homework), but to discover how that information could be applied for practical purposes and to further advance knowledge in a specific field. This means that, in addition to transmitting knowledge on the answers that have been found so far, schools should also play an important role in encouraging kids to come up with their own questions, based on their lives and experiences, and to go about discovering innovative answers and solutions for them. Hands-on, learn-by-doing tasks, with field work and use of a broad range of tools, including those related to the online world (e.g. video, podcasting, remote communication software), would be a good way of achieving this. Now more than ever, it seems important to foster rather than penalise individuality and creativity and to promote the practical application of knowledge to real-life problems and situations. Dealing with failure - This point is closely connected with the previous one, as the freedom to explore and look for new answers comes hand in hand with the ability to deal with the process of trial-and-error. Helping children and young people deal failure does not mean giving everyone a prize or a pat on the back even if they don’t achieve an intended objective. What it does mean is helping them see mistakes and losing as a natural part of life and of learning, while guiding them through the process of taking responsibility and staying calm and focused when trying to deal with any possible consequences of an error. At the end of the day, most consequences in life are not catastrophic, but rather a chance to improve. This is a message that is crucial to impart at an early age, so that children grow up to be well-rounded, well-adjusted and empowered adults, who are able to face with confidence the unknown and the risks and the challenges that are an integral part of life. Discovering areas of interest - Young people often find themselves having to choose a course of studies at an early age, when their experience of the world is limited. By partnering up with businesses, public institutions and NGOs, schools could give kids a chance to get familiarised with different areas of activity. Small internships, open days, interviews with different professionals and other similar experiences could all be helpful in this regard. Again, the more creative and hands-on the approach, the better. To give a couple of examples, students could be encouraged to create a podcast to interview successful professionals in different fields, participate in a simulation where they have to set up and manage their own company or spend a few days in a publishing house helping with small tasks in the various stages of putting a book and marketing it. These experiences would likely help them gain a better understanding of the areas they are most passionate about and make better career choices when the time comes. Financial literacy - Providing young people with both theoretical knowledge and practical experience regarding money, by covering topics such as mindful spending, saving, investing, budgeting and tax matters, would not only help them become more confident adults when it comes to managing money but also endow them with important skills that would allow them, if they so wished, to start their own business later on. #education Unless indicated otherwise, all the content posted here was created by me. If you're interested in using it, please get in touch via the comments. Header image credits: @Domz.
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Everything not said about love
Faced with this wave of loss of loved ones due to the pandemic, hunger, forced migrations and armed conflicts, the words that were not said, the caresses that died before being born and the smile that were not reflected in the look of the person who left. This reminded me of a beautiful song belonging to the Turkish musician Birsen Tezer and that I want to share with you. Everything Not Said About Love - Everything was left in half Thats weird Love and hate are half Life is half A part of me wants to escape And a part wants to chase What it leaves behind That is clean and pure A part of your half A part of my half Only I know Make him love you And maybe you know A bit My cry is drowned In crowded corners I find little comfort For who i am now Everything that I've been through He's lost in my overwhelming passions Like it's just fog That disappears It's like your voice comes from a distance It's like you're in another dimension I see a part of you in everything You're in my thoughts Wherever you are A bit Nobody knows Nobody hears Only I know that I loved you And maybe you know A bit It's like If your voice came from a distance It's like you are In another dimension I find a part of you in everything You're in my thoughts Wherever you are, a little Nobody knows Nobody hears Only I know Make him love you And maybe you know A bit My cry is drowned In crowded corners I find little comfort For who i am now Everything that I've been through Is lost in my passions overwhelming Like it's just fog That disappears. Below I leave the link for you to listen and enjoy Ante esta ola de pérdidas de seres queridos por la pandemia, por el hambre, las migraciones forzadas y los conflictos bélicos, queda en mi mente las palabras que no se dijeron, las caricias que murieron antes de nacer y la sonrisa que no se reflejó en la mirada de la persona que se fue. Esto me recordó una hermosa canción perteneciente a la musica turca Birsen Tezer y que quiero compartir con ustedes Todo lo que no se dice sobre el amor - Todo se dejó por la mitad Qué raro El amor y el odio están por la mitad La vida está por la mitad Una parte de mi quiere escapar Y una parte quiere perseguir Lo que deja atrás Que es limpio y puro Una parte de tu mitad Una parte de mi mitad Solo yo sé Que te amé Y quizás tú lo sepas Un poco Mi llanto es ahogado En rincones atestados Encuentro poco consuelo Por quien ahora soy Todo por lo que he pasado Está perdido en mis pasiones abrumadoras Cómo si fuera solo niebla Que desaparece Es como si tu voz viniera de la distancia Es como si estuvieras en otra dimensión Veo una parte de ti en todo Estás en mis pensamientos Dónde sea que estés Un poco Nadie sabe Nadie oye Solo yo sé que te amé Y quizás tú lo sepas Un poco Es como si Si tu voz viniera de la distancia Es como si estuvieras En otra dimensión Encuentro una parte de ti en todo Estás en mis pensamientos Donde sea que estés, un poco Nadie sabe Nadie oye Solo yo sé Que te amé Y quizás tú lo sepas Un poco Mi llanto es ahogado En rincones atestados Encuentro poco consuelo Por quien ahora soy Todo por lo que he pasado Está perdido en mis pasiones abrumadoras Cómo si fuera solo niebla Que desaparece. Aquí les dejo el link disfrútenlo  Birsen Tezer - Aşk Üzerine Söylenmemiş Her Şey