Coercive control, or translated into Dutch 'imperative control'.
In this blog I mainly explaincoercive control after the termination of the relationship- Yes.Thisisthe result of my own experience with a toxic ex-partner and justice, who fails to protect the joint children.
You can find the information below:
1- Yes.Whatiscoercive control?
2- Yes.How badiscoercive control?
3- Yes.What dangers affect victims of coercive control after termination of the relationship?
4- Yes.How can such errors happen systematically?
5- Yes.My own experience with youth welfare consultants.
6- Yes.My own experience with the child court.
7- Yes.A letter to the Juvenile Judge.
8- Yes.The reaction of the child's court.
9- Yes.The reaction of Jan Storms, experienced in recognizing hidden psychopathy.
10- Yes.Assistance in Belgium and the Netherlands.
11- Yes.International aid.
12- Yes.Is mental violence punishable?
13- Yes.Known and less known victims.
14- Yes.A Belgian petition requesting the discontinuation of coercive control.
Explanations about sick behavior during the relationship can be found in my blogs about destructive relationships.
Click on the picture:
1) Whatiscoercive control?
Coercive controlis partner violence during and sometimes also after a relationship- Yes.It's about pressure, intimidation and threat- Yes.Itismandatory control, which can escalate even enormously during a divorce or after the termination of a relationship.
Itisnot a physical crime of violence (more), but rather a crime of freedom.
The worst cases are those involving behavior that was already present during the relationship and then continues until the age of majority of the joint children.
These are practices aimed at the former partner, who has separated himself from the destructive relationship, often even when the toxic person has had a new partner for quite some time- Yes.The perpetrator cannot and will not let go of the control or power of yesteryear and continues to abuse.
There are threats, scare, harassment, harassment- Yes- Yes. legal terror , exploitation, depriving human rights, literally making prey sick and children.
The aimisto completely destroy the victim, and the perpetrator abuses even unscrupulously innocent children and third parties- Yes.During the relationship, the victim was already in a world of everyday terror- Yes.After the relationship, itisa world of tug-of-war and power games through lawyers and courts, as well as deprivation of tax, social and utility services become - Yes.
Letting the joint children out of the houseisusually one of the destructive targets of the perpetrators of this terror.
The perpetrators are mostly men- Yes.The perpetrator often comes across as an amicable boy to the outside world, whichisdeceived that heischarming, friendly and fun.
But you're actually being screwed- Yes.He's humiliating, manipulative and even conspiringly dangerous- Yes- Yes. It's about a wolf in sheep skin - Yes.
2) How badiscoercive control?
Compulsory control can take very extreme forms- Yes.My own storyisso intense that I can testify that the truth often transcends fiction- Yes.Itistherefore not surprising that people with a normal healthy spirit find the testimony of victims and their children unbelievable.
Sometimes the goalisliterally to achieve the death of the prey, murder in slow motion.
If the victimiseffectively killed by the offender, the perpetrator will foresee that the preyisfirst the death of the beloved child (ren) will have to behold - Yes- Yes.The perpetrator enjoys such abuse of power.
3) What dangers affect victims of coercive control after termination of the relationship?
A victim of pathogenic parenthood often suffers from similar problems of global sufferers- Yes.The following things can be expected when thereisheavy psychopathy:
• Losing the children- Yes.Either by kidnapping, murder, suicide or the intervention of youth services by means of a home placement - Yes.The children are regularly forced by the children's court to live full-time with the abusive or incest parent, and there are cases where the patron parent was removed from parental control.
• Pets are killed or badly beaten or disappear from the face of the earth.
• Financial on the ground- Yes.There was often exploitation during the relationship in which financial independence was deprived- Yes.This continues after the breakup- Yes.Employed employmentislost every once in a while due to harassment, stalking, threat (sometimes even the employer and colleagues) or legal terror- Yes.Your own businessisthwarted and tax or social benefits such as unemployed, sick or disabled are taken away in illogical ways.
• Homelessness or imminent homelessness- Yes.Many victims camp in tents or forests, shelter in churches, monasteries or other sacred places or are taken care of by friends or acquaintances.
• Family rejection- Yes.The perpetratorisso cunning and crafty that he puts everything and everyone against you, causing even your own family to break off contact- Yes.Sometimes because of pure fear of the destructive, but often because the lies prevail over the truth.
• Convictions or effective imprisonment - Yes.The unsub gets away with everything- Yes.The victim ends up on the basis of distortions, pathological lies, perjury, nepotism, corruption, bad legislation or the wrong judge at the right time, on a criminal record or even in jail- Yes.Sometimes because of the attempt to protect themselves or their children, to testify or to become a human rights activist- Yes.There are also cases of women who have become ill for fear of justice and are regularly condemned in absentia.
4) How can such errors happen systematically?
The current justice systemisdesigned to combat partner violence in conflict separations to feed- Yes.The compulsive control that was already present during the relationship and from which the victim has escaped,issimply continued after the breakup.
Judges, consultants and lawyers actively participate in this- Yes.Joint children are not only used to destroy the prey of the destructive parent, but are systematically destroyed by a malfunctioning system.
The child who has already suffered severe traumas by the destructive parent , there are still ill-treatment caused by wrong decisions of children's judges sent by counselors or family guardians- Yes.These are often driven by assumptions or pathological lies spread by the offender or lawyers and yes, even the lawyer of the minor actively participates in this, knowingly or unconsciously- Yes.Children in Belgium are entitled to a lawyer, but he has been appointed by the system and also follows the system- Yes.The usual pathisto give the perpetrator his way and take out the protective parent- Yes.Even when the minor reaches an age when he himself should be given the right of hearing, itisoften his own lawyer who sweeps the testimonies off the table and recommends keeping the traumatized child away from the protective person, often the mother figure - Yes.Usually the lawyer of the childisnot elected himself, but appointed by the bar and represents the interests of the sick parent out of sympathy or under the encouragement of a fellow friend lawyer, the defense of the offender- Yes.I myself have experience with a juvenile attorate who, from the start of the file, motivated the judge to the home of a small innocent child and worked cold-blooded here sitting after hearing until the child was removed from the safe home with the caring mother.
5) My own experience with youth welfare consultants:
I myself discovered, thanks to an excellent doctor, that I was rolled into psychopathy in the middle of a record- Yes.I was informed by a clever doctor why I should not expect help from judges and counsellors- Yes.I thought I could break this conclusion, which was put at length by professionals- Yes.My ex had been expelled by a judge at the time because of multiple violence and refusing to follow his sentenced therapy- Yes.Surely it cannot be so difficult to clarify that violence was simply continued through harassment and legal terror after breakup?
As soon as I referred to the horrible truth and even made comments about Jan Storms's book, specializing in destructive relationships, I became the prey of consultants who believed it was safer to keep the child away from me.
A mother who believed that her ex would better start his therapy imposed by the Prosecutor of the King, appeared to represent a greater danger in the eyes of the facility than the perpetrator refusing to follow his advanced therapy.
Understand who can understand.
6) My own experience with the child court:
Considering chapter 8 of DROTS, the famous book by Jan Storms turns out to be pure reality, and I still believe that judges cannot intervene if their eyes are not opened, I sent a registered letter directly to the Juvenile Judge whoisauthorized to give my son protect against any form of abuse or violence.
My writing was overly clear- Yes.Just read how I created clarity in this university scholar.
7) A write to the youth judge:
Your Honor Madam Judge.
Next week, I have a new appointment with you in front of the consultant as well as the lawyer of the minor.
I wonder what I can do at cabinet session?
If I tell you the truth and/or put forward some facts, I will be depicted as destructive.
When my child screams for help, thisiscalled off as being whispered in by mother.
When I beg for protection for the child, thisisdismissed as “unstable mother.”
The real deranged people, the perpetrators, are considered model parents, because in the short conversations with the aid workers they appear to be “accommodating and willing”.
The guardian comes across as rebellious, because heisdefending the rights of the child.
I had not yet received my diploma when I was offered a job from the manager of a care company, because during my internship period it turned out that I could deal better with trauma children and rebellious children than the qualified family helpsters.
At the age of 17, I was the only one in regional family aid who could deal with a rebellious teenager and managed to stop them from self-cutting and school absenteeism.
I am also the one who has been able to keep Jonas' (*) children from a previous marriage from new suicide attempts- Yes.That all Jonas' ex-partners have already failed suicide attempts, should be an eye opener- Yes.I am apparently the only one of his female victims whoisnot suicide, something my perpetrator still hopes to achieve, and I am basing myself solely on the words he has expressed to third parties in recent years.
I can give you a lot of names of people who are in trauma therapy by Jonas, some of them didn't even have a relationship with him, whichisoften just a reason for him to stalk and threaten.
Your colleague, youth judge xxxx once made clear: “I'm sorry, since the new wifeisof the same kind, I can't do anything and enforce therapy with father in exchange for preserving visory rights.“
Meanwhile, my child has been sitting between two terrorizing parents for ten years, because stepmotherisapparently worse than the natural father.
Do you have any idea what damage my child continues to suffer because judges refuse to initiate escorted visits?
By the way, using accompanying visitation rightsismy own wish- Yes.My son does not even want guided visits, because he knows better than you how these will proceed- Yes.Once the escorted (st) has turned his back on the parent, new threats are made..- Yes.and again no one believes the child.
My child wants rest and longs for a time out, but only gets disbelief and misunderstanding.
I have earned my living for years by writing theses and giving lectures on communicating, relating and raising.
I raised 6 children between 0 and 18 years old, excluding my employment and internships.
Everything has been reviewed: from children with separation anxiety, dyslexia, dyscalculia, heartbreak to adolescent behavior- Yes.I even gave tips and educational advice to an employee of the Juvenile Court, for which great gratitude was expressed.
At the moment I hear that you have the view that I do not want to accept aid from the provision.
Do you mean refusal of help or am I simply refusing to follow unpedagogical advice that only causes greater damage? To force me to shut up my child every time he breathes his heart of the persistent violence he has to endure, I do not call professional advice- Yes.Going to the doctor with my child if worrying statements of the consultant several times cause a hyperventilation attack, I call not refusal of help, but sense of responsibility.
And so I can list a lot of examples.
I do not refuse help, Madam Judge, I beg for help.
Help from a judge who looks a little further than the term 'fight separation'.
Could you please be assisted by a professional with knowledge of theMASIC method so that the canvas finally falls?
I defended my perpetrator for years because I was suffering from Stockholm syndrome- Yes.Now that I am finally able to accept the truth and pass on the professional knowledge transferred to me to Youth Welfare, I am being carried forward as a toxic parent.
I hope my writing opens your eyes.
This letter was written to protect my own child, but especially in the name of countless victims of psychological abuse, pathological lying as well as manipulation, exploitation, intimate terror, coercive control and family violence.
I hope that this letter, as well as a discussion at the cabinet session, in the presence of one of the doctors who made several worrying findings concerning the minor, will finally ensure proper judicial intervention in order to protect the minor.
Pending new legislative changes and adapted training for the counselors in such cases, I hope that you, as a juvenile judge, will go to the best possible way to protect my son from further trauma.
I can handle the fact that you're questioning my story, but I hope you will at least listen to the minor's experience- Yes.My son, like myself,isradical against lies and injustice.
The truth still comes from the mouth of children and should not be ignored.
Mieke Van Liefde, Mama of Michiel
(*) Jonasisthe pseudonym that I use in my blogs to replace the birth name of my ex.
(*) Michielisthe pseudonym that I use in my blogs to replace my son's birth name.
8) The reaction of the child's court:
In the presence of a medic, the general practitioner and also a confidant of the minor, I was told that I should stop such insinuations and harm my child in this way.
The Juvenile Judge also requested that I stop discussing the problems I experience with the provision with therapists from the CAW and CGZ.
In concrete terms, itisnot only refused to provide the minor with appropriate assistance, but the judge also expects me to stop any form of healing from years of violence and compelling control, and slowly die of impotence.
The GP opened his mouth with surprise because of the incompetence of what calls himself professional.
9) The reaction of Jan Storms, experienced in recognizing psychopathy:
Thereisalmost no knowledge of psychopathy among professionals, whichisat the heart of most difficult child protection cases- Yes.Divorces are not the main problem- Yes.On the contrary- Yes.They are often part of necessary protection- Yes.The main problem - and the biggest source of child abuse -isthe ignorance of professionals.
11) Emergency services International:
The Women's Coalition:
This relief was founded by Cindy Dumas, a female victim who discovered failure to protect her children from their violent father- Yes.Cindy had a son who was forced by several judges to live under the roof of a parent who sexually abused the child- Yes.Her adult son Damonisnow actively involved in the women's coalition- Yes.He does that as communication director of the organization- Yes.The man can testify that the only way to escape the abuse at the time was to marry at a young age.
12) Is mental violence punishable?
Consequences of prolonged psychological violence can be demonstrated medically- Yes.However, in Belgium and the Netherlands itisnot (yet) a criminal offence.
Perpetrators of harmful, emotional violence often commit other criminal offences.
• Physical violence resulting in incapacity for work.
• Coercion to proceed to insurance fraud.
• Drug trafficking.
• Money laundering or other illegal fraud.
• Loverboy practices, telephone sex, webcam work or other form of trafficking in human beings.
• Coercion to commit theft.
• Paedophilia, incest or other sexually transboundary behaviour.
You can try to prosecute an offender of Belgian or Dutch nationality for these criminal practices- Yes.I put the emphasis on the word'try'.
Apparently, I'm not the only expert in experience that justice works very badly when you're a survivor of practices committed by an (ex) partner - Yes.
Experienceisthat convictions are largely pronounced when they are committed in front of strangers.
“Judges work so slowly and badly that I sometimes advise victims of crime to file a complaint because psychologically the court does even more harm than the crime.”William Pitchot, professor of psychiatry.
Psychological violenceisofficially punishable in the following countries:
- France (2010)
- England (2015)
- Australia (2018)
- New Zealand (2018)
- Ireland (2019)
- Scotland (2019)
- Wales (2019)
- United States (2019)
13) Known and less known victims:
Survivors of violence are blocked by the official provision when they want to share their story- Yes.Even the abused children are often silenced by judges, counsellors, family guardians and others- Yes.Their stories are called fantasy, slander and honour because the entourage of the wolf in sheepskin isstronger than the actual black sheep.
Fortunately, there are experts with knowledge of how justice and government fails- Yes.To survive this infernal period, victims seek refuge among each other.
Worldwide names are known of those who were abandoned by a society that does not punish the consequences of psychopathy- Yes.Many names were announced because they have not survived the constant violence - Yes.
As a survivor of multiple violence and as the mother of a high-risk minor, I would like to provide the government with a list of names of Belgian victims- Yes.The aimisfor judges and youth lawyers to be able to consult such a list at any time whether they are continuing partner violence or conflict separation- Yes.In addition, I put both Belgian and Dutch victims in contact with each other, in order to be able to support each other- Yes.The fact that you read this article carefully means that thereisa high probability that your name, as well as those of your children, will be included in the list of risk cases- Yes.Early identification and interventionisnecessary- Yes.It can save you a lot of suffering and money, prevent an unjustified home placement, as well as save the life or health of yourself or the children.
Legally, judges and lawyers have to do fact-finding- Yes.An inventory of partner violence can be an ideal opportunity for this, so that you can switch to the Masic method , which todayisoften forgotten or ignored in Belgium as well as in the Netherlands.
14) A Belgian petition requesting the discontinuation of coercive control:
Tommekeistwelve years old and has suffered years of abuse, supported by judges, lawyers and consultants, both physical and psychological complaints from the continuous multiple violence- Yes.The demand for “guided visits”, even at the request of doctors, were systematically swept off the table- Yes.The resultisrecognizable for survivors of mental, physical and/ or sexual violence : PTSD, dissociation, burnout, depression and wanting to be dead, in order to escape from lasting violence- Yes.In the case of Tommeke thereiseven talk of psychosis - Yes.
Protective parents who take good care of their offspring but are victims of a worrying system..- Yes.it's still a global problem.
Text:Mieke Of Love
Photos:- Pixabay- Yes.- Yeah
• Own experience
• Conversations with doctors and therapists
• Conversations with other victims
• Thanks to Yvonne Floor, self-experienced expert and human rights activist, for the reference to Cindy Dumas and The Women's Coalition.
• Statistics on criminality worldwide: https://www.ggznieuws.nl
Own experience Mieke Van Liefde:
• Survivor of multiple partner violence between 2006 and 2010.
• Survivor of ex-partner violence between 2010 and 2020 (same perpetrator as period 2006-2010).
• Terror will continue between 2020 and 2026 (the perpetrator has proclaimed to mother, child and third parties between 2006 and present)
• Even after the perpetrator was evicted from the family home by judgment on the grounds of intra family violence, intimate terror, coercive control and family violence can last until the joint children reach the age of majority.