Sunday, March 15, 2020, the day the nursing home was locked because of the corona virus. Family visit was no longer possible. This was the government's decision to protect vulnerable elderly people from contagion. The vulnerable elderly were not only protected by the government but also removed from their family members. My father who was chronically ill and struggled with Parkinson's and lewybody dementia (a common dementia) did not understand what was happening. How do you explain to someone who has dementia that family visits are not allowed by the government because vulnerable elderly people need to be protected from the corona virus? Every day my relatives and I had to explain what was going on and why we were not allowed to come by. And when the realization was there, my father soon forgot why no one came to visit. My father was on the nurses at the nursing home.. With little insight into what happened in the nursing home and the tiny information we received about it, we as a family were increasingly left in the dark.. We discovered that the staff at the beginning of the lockdown wore little or no protection. And that the staff went from department to department without protection. The visits of family members were deprived of the residents and then become infected by the nurses themselves. My father couldn't have seen his family for two months. And was overcome by loneliness. Then the ethical question comes up. Is it human to deprive vulnerable elderly people of family visits with risk of infection but not tormented by loneliness? Or is it important to protect the vulnerable elderly from their relatives with risk of infection through employees and the torment of loneliness? Because I haven't been able to see my father for two months, I felt like my father was being held hostage.. And that hurt me a lot. The physical contact I missed very much. Take a walk with my dad. Along the boulangerie next to the nursing home for a delicious cup of coffee and a coffee roll that my dad was super fond of. He could enjoy it so much! I missed those trips so much and that's what I was really longing for. When is everything back to normal? And the nursing home opens again. Open to family members to find their parent, uncle/aunt or other family member/friend. The only way to communicate was by calling or video calling. So we could still have contact with my father. It seemed to go well with him until the week of April 20, 2020. My father got complaints of tightness, chest pain and muscle pain symptoms all over his body. The standard checks were done such as blood pressure measurement, temperature measurement, etc.. And that all seemed to be good. Until he got an increase at some point and for that reason a corona test was done. The results were known within 48 hours. The results were negative and that was good news for the family. A burden fell from our shoulders. My father was spared while we were told that there were some infections in a number of residents. My father seemed to be getting better but soon the complaints came back and that fluctuated very much. He wasn't terminal according to the nursing home and there was no reason to worry.. On a Thursday I was at work and I received a call from the nursing home informing me that my father had complaints of dizziness and that he had fallen out of bed 3 times. Soon my father was tested again on corona. Once again, the result was negative. But the complaints did not go away. His appetite also became less until my father stopped getting out of bed at some point. Then another test was done a week later. The doctor had decided to connect my father to the oxygen because of stuffiness complaints. With a lot of tension we waited for the results that turned out to be positive and then the fear struck. The fear that my father would not survive. The day the rash was announced, my father was transferred directly to the hospital. Until today, I'm glad the doctor would have done that or I wouldn't have been able to see my father alive. On the weekend of May 3, 2020 we were allowed to visit my father. The visitor policy was modified due to corona. Only one person was allowed to enter at a time. Making a choice between the mother and her 6 children is inhuman. Fortunately, the staff were generous enough to let us in by two. In the end, my mother and my two sisters were able to see my father alive. His decline suddenly went very fast. My father got a maximum of gallons of oxygen, and his organs went out one by one. My dear daddy.... Fighting was no longer going, and it seemed as if he had resigned himself and that his body was running out. On 4 May. my father died during the month of Ramadan. May 4 is the day I will remember forever. The day I would never be the same. The corona virus has taken me a lot. My father, but also saying goodbye to my father. Since that day, my father has taken a part of me that I will never get back. The pain I feel is sometimes unbearable and there are days as if it seems that the pain does not end. Mourning and grief is extremely tiring, because you experience intense emotions and emotion. Intense emotions of deep pain, sadness, guilt, denial, daring to let go and fear of being alone.

The emptiness my father left behind.. an incredibly great lack. But the great thing is that it happened during the fasting month of Ramadan. During Ramadan, the gates of heaven are open to receive the souls of the deceased where a great chance of a beautiful place. Where there is peace and peace.

My father was known for being tough but always up for a big joke.. A joker that many people walked away with. His chronic illness has always seen my father as a torment, and it was difficult to accept.

May 4th was the day my father no longer inhabited the earth like his body, but his soul lives on forever.
With a tear of intense sadness and a smile of beautiful memories I say goodbye. Too big for life but finally rest with a new existence in the afterlife. Heaven has an angel with it.

Dear Daddy... never here again, but with us forever.

#papa
#corona
#lewybodydementie
#parkinson
#parting
#foreverbyons
#afterlife
#beautifulmemories
#iloveyou

Dear Daddy... never here again, but with us forever.