I am starting to realize that the way I have viewed myself is a complete distortion of reality.
I have always had this idea that I am a troublesome, negative, irrational,lazy,selfish,self-centered drama queen.
And because I believed this about myself there are years that I subconsciously focussed on moments in my life where I did in fact act this way.
Like, one hysterical fight somehow becomes an entire self-image and ultimate confirmation that I am indeed the embodiment of all these negative things.
When I was about 12 I was bullied terribly at school. It got to the point that I became afraid to go to school. I spoke of this to an adult. Someone who was supposed to care for me, teach me and protect me.
When I told the grown up that everyone hated me and they were all picking on me, the adult said "well, if everyone is saying bad things about you maybe you are the reason"
Now- as an adult I understand what that statement was supposed to mean. How our behavior effects the way that people interact with us, and vice versus.
But at the age of 12 my mind took this statement to mean that all the bad things people say about me are true and I am in fact an ugly,smelly,stupid,weirdo that no one loves and If I killed myself the world wouldn't even notice.
These are the kinds of things I heard about myself and I began to accept them as truth.
Now, almost 30 years later I see that all these hateful,hurtful things are untrue.
Yes, I still sometimes exhibit behavior that is expressive of negative emotions. However this is not a bad thing at all. It is honest and truthful. A pure expression of how I am feeling at that moment in time.
I am beginning to learn that most of us hide these emotions. Most of us are unwilling or unable to express raw emotions and when we do we feel shame afterward.
I am human, and I am fallible. I suffer. It is part of the balance that is our natural way of being.
I also feel and express love, joy, and happiness. Because this too is part of the balance that is our natural way of being.
I no longer accept external judgment as my internal truth.
I understand that my personal boundaries do not make me less than other people.
I choose to respect my personal limitations with the understanding that I am a limitless and eternal being of love.
I choose to surround myself with people who are capable of doing the same.
I accept my weaknesses, not as faults but as beautiful brush strokes of colour on the canvas that is my incarnation on this earth and at this time.
I am open and willing to learn and grow. I am open and willing to give and receive. I am open and willing to feel joy and grief.
For this, this is the balance of life eternal.