Saskia van de Riet

· 07 Sep 2021

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When life gives you lemons

Below I share my story which has also been published a few years ago and which will always remind me about how I can create my reality - I am a creator. Humans are creators. So, I felt it is time to share once again. Make sure you make your lemonade and take charge of who you want to be.

Describe a pivotal moment in your life that you would like to share.

Returning home with my son on the 21st June 2015 – it was Father’s Day – we were greeted by my husband. I noticed something was off, and within ten minutes I was invited by him to sit down for a chat. Then I heard my husband speak words I never thought I would ever hear: “Saskia, I need to tell you something. Three weeks ago, I met another woman. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I’ll be leaving you and the children.”

I was in shock. I felt my body go into shock, something I recognised from the moment I heard that my sister was terminally ill at the age of 29 – but that’s a whole other story. At the same time, I experienced utter clarity about two insights thundering in my mind: a) this was not about me and b) this is too big for me to cope with on my own: I would seek help.

We went to bed. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t even close my eyes. I needed answers. I didn’t get any. It dawned on me that I had to up my game. To stop looking after others at my expense. To start treating myself as a priority. While my husband went to work the next morning, I tried to make sense of me, of the myriad of emotions soaring through my mind and my body. I tried to navigate through the day with all three of our teenager children around me, feeling myself buckle under the burden of all of the responsibilities, duties, tasks and care that now fell on me.

At the time, we were living in a converted farmhouse with a kangaroo apartment for my ailing parents. My Mum had Alzheimer’s, my Dad had had a stroke and was - not wanting - but needing help and support. Our 16-year-old son was about to start his final school tests for that academic year, and our eldest daughter would have her graduation ceremony the next week, preparing to leave home to go and live near her university as she had been accepted at Leiden University to study Chinese. Oh, and it was four days before my birthday. The house came with a large plot of land, and all I could see was the humungous amount of work and the incredibly high mortgage that now all fell to me to solve and uphold. I felt totally overwhelmed and went into solution mode. This is what I do well: solving problems. However, I was also blown away by the sheer unexpectedness, the shock of it all, and a heavy sense of betrayal. Somehow amidst all the shock, emotions, urgency of others, and the massive number of projects that had now landed in my lap, and in my lap only, I kept in view the beacon of my latest insight: I have to put myself first.

Looking back what made it such an important part of my journey?

The realisation that I had never put myself at the top of my priority list was the most valuable outcome of this pivotal moment. If I wanted to be of any use to my children, my parents or myself, I had to look after myself, first and foremost. In terms of help, in terms of finance, in terms of taking charge, in terms of health - in terms of just about anything, really. It was time to take full responsibility for everything I did, said, thought, felt. It felt as if my life depended on that.

So, I got myself the world’s best life coach and took on any homework she gave me. This homework was nothing like anything I had ever done in my life. It demanded from me that I speak my true voice. To speak from the heart. To make myself important. When I delivered my true messages this way, I did so with a pounding and racing heart. And I had astonishing results. I now realise that the pattern I had lived by for over five decades had sprung from a precisely defined moment in my early youth, when I was only three years old.

Based on the wealth of knowledge, wisdom, and experience that you have now, what would you have liked to say to yourself back then?

Dear Saskia,
It is the 21st of June 2015. It is Father’s Day. At the age of 52, you are sitting on the sofa with your husband of 29 years and the father of your three children. You will hear him speak these words to you: “I have met another woman. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I’ll be leaving you and the children.” While these words will shock you and immediately spin your life into a new direction, they will also put you on your path to inner freedom. To make you understand this, I need to take you back, my darling, to when you were just three years old…

I see you sitting on the edge of the sandpit… playing in the sand, playing with the elements, totally content with yourself in the knowledge that you are here for a reason that you have so much to bring to this world, yet… you’re also hurting. Hurting, because you don’t understand why you had to leave the house with your Mum, had to be quiet, had to make yourself scarce, in order for your Dad to study without being distracted by you. Hurting, because you are led to believe you can be the cause of other people’s anger, frustration and troubles…

I really want to tell you something. This is important, darling, so please listen carefully. Listen with your heart. Because in your heart you will feel the flutter of resonance with what I am about to tell you. I want you to know that you are pure. You are loved, you are beautiful. You are not trouble. You are never the cause of anybody’s emotions. All you need to do is be yourself. Shine your light. Share your ideas, say what you want to say. Never defend yourself, there is nothing to defend. You cannot do any wrong.

When people, like your Dad, become angry and believe it is you who’s causing his anger, that means that he is blinded in that moment. Blinded by your rays of light. By the way you shine. You know when you go and feed the ducks in the pond that you and Mum always walk to? When the sun is high in the sky and shines her rays down on you, on mother earth? And how the rays reflect in the pond’s water, like an image in the mirror? And how, when that happens, you can’t see the ducks for a moment? Can’t see them eating the bread crumbs you’ve given them. How the reflection of the sun’s rays blind you, just for that moment? People can also be blinded by other people’s bright light. The light of pure people, adults and children alike. Children like you, beautiful, pure little Saskia.

The recurring anger in your Dad is a pattern you will always clearly recognise and understand even at the age of three. You knew that when something went wrong, he had a habit of frustration and anger projected onto someone else, apportioning blame onto others. I need you to know that he will see you as the reason for so much of his anger, and I want you to listen carefully. You will learn how to act as the model child, and this will pervade your every decision, thought and action. Know, trust and sense that I will always be beside you, in those moments when you feel alone.

When you’re seven years old, you will be tested. You’ll meet a lovely girl, Ingrid, who goes to school with you, and who is desperate to spend time with you, to come to your home and have dinner with you. She is very persuasive, and even says that she won’t be your friend anymore unless you ask your Mum and Dad if she can join you for dinner. You know in your heart that the answer will be no, that your Dad will be angry if you ask, so you choose wisely, and tell Ingrid you can’t ask.

Even though this will lead to five years of bullying at school by Ingrid and her best friend, you can rest assured that you are always seeing the broader picture, and with time, you will see how each of the pieces of the puzzle will fit in. This will not only affect your inner decisions with the family, but also influence your friendships.

You will have a scope of understanding that is greater than that of your peers. You will know this intuitively, and utterly unjust as it may be, there is no reason, just like with your Dad and his anger. You are unique, little one, and you are intuitive. You’ll see the bigger picture. You will never feel lonely, you will always be happy with who you are, and you won’t need others to feel good. You are a valuable individual with your own qualities, and you’ll always know this even when you realise you are never really seen for who you are.

What I would love you to understand is that you will develop model child behaviour. Aiming to never give rise to problems, anger or frustration. You will actively choose to be pleasant, kind, and understanding, and to treat everyone you meet with consideration, love and respect. As you grow older to protect yourself you will develop the top six principles of model child behaviour.

These principles are:

1. Refraining from raising your voice.

2. Always understanding other people’s perspective.

3. Working hard without complaining.

4. Avoiding conflict.

5. Never showing or voicing anger.

6. Making others more important than yourself. Behaving like a model child will affect your decisions, your behaviour and your conversations not only within the family, but also with your friends and even with yourself.

When you’re nine years old, you will receive criticism from your teacher that will have far-reaching effects.  You’re a model pupil, studying continuously and enjoying your education, yet afraid to voice your inner truths. One day, your teacher reviews one of your essays publicly in class and says that while you’re smart and a good learner, you have nothing meaningful to say and that your essays will never amount to anything. At the time you agree, and this will be the source of a long-term ripple effect, tainting your every thought and action from then on.

However, I am here to share something hugely important with you. You know, sweetie, that there are other and powerful ways to voice your wisdom. Other people’s opinions are just that: their opinions. Not yours. Never yours. Their opinions are none of your business. You don’t have to answer to others, not all the time. Not ever, actually. The only person you ever have to answer to is your inner being, your inner Saskia, as your soul is your internal mirror to reflect your course.

So, if you have something to say or someone to help, you want to express your feelings, your creativity, and your light, you seek to share your music, your singing, your drawing, your Lego structures, your arrangements of Lego houses, rooms, and homesteads, or to express your empathy of others, your love for nature and the gentleness of your soul – you need and deserve to do it.
Be true to yourself. Only you can do this. Nobody can do it for you. Just like your Dad who can only do this for himself. Just like your Mum, who can only do this for herself. It’s the journey of life, the journey of the soul. You only have YOUR soul to trust, to follow and to believe in. If you do that, then you are true to yourself.

Just like at the duck pond’s water mirroring the sun’s rays of light; the people around you are mirroring your very own bright light. Always let your light shine brightly. You don’t need to voice that with your voice; you can voice it by simply trusting it in your actions, your energy, and in the written word. You have already felt your calling to write….

Darling, it all starts with something as simple as a shopping list. You’ll be living amidst an omnipresent duality in the home: feeling loved, wanted and empowered by your mother while having to watch every word you utter so as not to cause conflict with or anger in your Dad. You have just invited your Mum to teach you how to write, by showing her the shopping lists you’ve created in the way she always does. Your Mum always sees your light. She was born to do so. She picks up on your signals, flawlessly, lovingly and without any reservations. Mum sees your needs, and one day you will discover that these traits of your Mum have been passed on to you. She will have taught you how to write long before school starts. Trust her to trust you, so you can trust yourself. Always.

Remember that people who show you their anger, their frustration, suffering and powerlessness – they can only do so because they feel safe with you: they sense that you see them and that you have empathy and they need this from you to feed on, to lead themselves back into the light. You can stay true to yourself in being the guiding light for others, without it draining you. See their outbursts as a gift you can wrap up with ribbons and loving acceptance. You can then leave that gift with them. It is never your responsibility to carry their burden, nor to solve it for them. In time, you will learn it’s not your job to tend to their upsets. You will learn how to escape from other people’s drama, without taking over the responsibility or accepting their gift of anger. Trust me, sweetie, you will learn how to always leave it at their end of the table.

Be sure to realise that you are a beacon of wisdom, and that nothing, absolutely nothing people do to you, say to you, or throw at you is something to take personally. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should carry the weight. It’s their weight to carry. It is not about you. You have always been told it is your fault, but it isn’t.

It is all about themselves and their path, their journeys, their development. All you need to do is be you, in all of your brilliance. Let them be them. Be the natural light you have been given, that is yours to shine. Write it all down, as valuable lessons. And by writing all of it down you will transform, and write more and more gems, first for yourself and secondly for others who want and need their path to be enlightened by you. Be the authentic leader by example. Walk your path and show the way by walking in your light of love. Writing is your healing gift, the silent force to share life lessons without compromise, without interruptions and the interference of critical voices, and other people’s views, energy and limitations. Writing is liberating; writing will set you free.

You will always be exceptional, even when others tell you that you are not. Even when you have graduated, and your father cannot be proud of you, as he thinks your choice of engineering is silly, weak and irrelevant. He’d prefer law, economics or finance. Your masculine choices in life are a way of seeking validation from your dad, in sports, in science, in conversations. Masculinity for you will be the uncomplicated road to safety for a long time to come. As an engineer, you will develop your talents into important guidance, creating mechanisms so others can see what you see already.

Creating lists and specifications will offer you security, safety and clarity. As a teenager you will create a list even for your future life partner. This is how your first boyfriend will become your husband. Unbeknown to you, you will marry your dad. He fitted the specification list you had drawn up in hopes of finding a loving husband who was nothing like your Dad. Someone who would meet your 15-item specification, mostly worded in the negative – such as “not becoming angry” and “not withdrawing from my birthday party after half an hour” and “never shouting at me” you’ll live in total oblivion to this.  

You won’t realise that when your mum met your dad, he was charming, friendly, and helpful, just like your boyfriend. Things changed when your dad’s own father – your grandfather – jumped in front of a train two months after your birth, leaving his son to identify his remains. So, you see, you always see people around you for who they truly are, and you always want to love them, cherish them and support them. You will grow up and live life with all the anger, the blaming, and the conflicts, thinking of them as something normal. Reducing yourself down at home and at work.

I want you to know, darling, that there is no need to ever doubt yourself or feel insecure. Inner faith is lighting your path through life, and as you grow older, it will serve you well at all times.

Now, I am taking you once more to the 21st of June 2015. That day, the release button in you is pressed. While shocked by the words, you will instantly receive two pivotal insights: a) this is not about you and b) you do not have to deal with this all alone. That is the precise moment all will become clear to you, enabling you to step into your power and embrace what you are here to do. Your husband’s choice is just that: his choice. A choice you would never have made yourself, as up until then you considered everybody more important than yourself. His decision will fast forward you on your path to inner freedom. His words will set you free. And, in time, you will be very grateful for his choice.

So, my sweet little Saskia, live your life in trust. Trusting your mother, loving her, letting her be your guiding foundation, as she was the first to see your radiant energy, your guiding destiny, your leading light. She will always be your watch, your spirit guide and your ultimate champion. She passes on her brilliance to you, to pay it forward, to make a difference, to matter. And above all, live your life trusting yourself. Trusting that you are worthy, that you are perfect just the way you are, and that you are free.
All my love,
Saskia


#iamacreator     

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This is my story as published in Notes to My Younger Self - Volume 2 in the Pay it Forward Series.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Pay-Forward-Notes-Younger-Self/dp/0999494929  

Saskia
xx


PS - if you're interested in a signed copy, please let me know.