I have never seen her look so pale as she did today...
Glancing at her from the corridors, the first time I've seen her in years. I froze.. Froze at the very first sight of her. A sensation of numbness had filled my body, paralyzing me to the core. It was almost as it was suffocating me, I couldn't help as the tears escaped my eyes and ran down my cheeks. Filled with great pain, sadness and anger, emotions that hovered above and within me, like a darkness being summoned...my mind blanked out as I stared at her through the glass afraid to go in, knowing our history.
I stood there in silence, like a statue, I couldn't bare the sight of seeing her in that condition with all those..... All those tubes that pierced her fragile skin and the beeping of the machine that measured her heart, her love to live.
I mussterd up the courage, wiped the tears and stretched my skin to create a smile as I walked in.
I could feel the connection , like an electric spark running through the veins of the body that connects our hearts 💕. We didn't say a word but our silence filled the room with a comforting presence, with joy and I could tell because we both smiled and, and she seemed happy.
Over and over again in my mind I said "I'm sorry , im so Sorry I let you down" .
I couldn't stay there any longer, even though she wanted me to stay I couldn't I was traumatized, sad I knew I had to do something atleast try to give her the very life she deserves. After all she has done sacrificed everything for everyone and put her happiness last , an innocent soul going through this much pain and suffering knowing her fate, I could never let that happen I had to do something.
The next sunrise had approached, I made my way from the hospital to the church ⛪ and all I thought about, all that was going through my mind, my very thoughts, was her... all the memories we had together, the fights, the precious moments the good, the bad and ugly and to think that it all led to this day and that image stuck, her lying helplessly on that bed.
I arrived at the church a place I hadn't visited in a long time. At this point I had no one to turn to nowhere else to go and seek help but here.
I opened the doors and made my way to the front of the church where the massive cross of Jesus Christ was placed and I just dropped to knees filled with the same emotion of pain, sadness and anger bursting out into tears, pleading, begging with God. Crying out that he show her mercy that he forgive that her and cures the very illness that's devouring her slowly.
"just let her live happy God, please have mercy upon her innocent soul"
I cried and pleaded day in and day out for as long as it took for him to hear, for him to accept my prayers for her very well being.
Everyday she would smile, reach out so we could hold hands. And I just sat there memorising her...memorising her face as if it were the first time time we met and having that feeling of how I would never see her again. I sat next to her bedside at night as she dreamt away. I stared at her beauty and prayed cause at that moment that's all I could do.
She smiled each and every time, hiding her pain, her emotion, holding back the tears for the very reason that she did not want to see us hurt.
It wasn't the fear of dying, it was the fear of not being alive and the fear of leaving everything and everyone you care about behind....