Mamaloetje

· 03 Dec 2020

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It's okay so...

Shut down ❤

Anieka's pregnancy did not go at all as I had hoped. Soon my blood pressure rose, and by 30 weeks she stopped growing. I had a hard time with her in my belly, but most importantly, my little baby girl was having a hard time.

At 33 weeks in the hospital, at 35 weeks she was born - my body was giving up.
Her first weeks in the world she had to do without her mother's warmth: for two weeks I only saw her one hour a day.

Anieka Catelijne has nothing to do with it, fortunately. She developed at lightning speed and in a few months she was already in the growth curve that suited her age.

My guilt to her was, and is, still there every day. Eight years she is, and I haven't been able to clean up yet: I should have been able to take care of her better, my body should have taken care of her, protected her better than it did.

She came to me this morning. I'm quite a bad (ahem) starter in the early morning, so I postpone getting up as long as possible.
She put her little ball on my chest, her little body close to me under the warm blankets.
“You are such a lovely lady. Do you know I'm incredibly proud of you?”
“Isn't that what you are on all of us?”
“Yes, honey, that's right... But you know what? When you were still in Mama's belly, Mama got sick.”
“I know. That's why I was born in the hospital and had to be in such an incubator.”
“That's right, baby. You had to do it on your own five weeks earlier than I would have liked.”
“I did very well, didn't I?”
“Oh, girl, you've done so incredibly well! But Mom would have liked to have done just as well and kept you in her belly for another five weeks.”
“You couldn't help getting sick, could you?”
“No, I don't think so...”
“Then it's all right. I'm very strong, so you did well, Mama.”
The tears couldn't stop themselves... I once again kissed my wise daughter's ball.
“I love you, Mama.”
“Oh, child, I love you so much more.”

On this Monday morning I received forgiveness from my daughter. Forgiveness that I, subconsciously, needed.
This girl, Anieka Catelijne, gave me resignation on this early morning - resignation in eight years of guilt.

Anieka, behave and born in love. ❤
Anieka, she gave me more this morning than she will ever realise: I no longer have to feel guilty and out of love for her I will no longer do so.

Eight years and then so wise and such a big, pure heart... ❤


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