It's been a hectic time. While I was busy taking care of the chemo treatments as well as I could, I got sick. I got a fever and felt lame. I've even been tested for corona. But luckily, that test was negative. I couldn't do much more than lie in bed and sleep. It took me about two weeks to get a little back on top. After that, I felt weak and emotionally unwell. Especially that last one played me off. I couldn't have much and cried all day long. I got back in the head with the staff. I didn't dare say what was bothering me. That frustrated me greatly, because I'm not usually like that. But I bottled everything up and cried quietly when everyone was gone. Fortunately, there were nurses who saw something going on and talked to me. But I found it hard because I cried for everything and was so sad. In those days, for the first time, I wondered what I was doing for. But I didn't want to give in to those feelings yet. I'm not there yet. But the fact that they flashed through my mind sometimes made me so sad. I was looking for a hold. Normally, I was cheerful and positive, but now I felt like I was under the ice. I'm not coming out. As much as I wanted to.

In addition, I had to discuss my funeral with my father and brother. What if we didn't make the desired amount? They could contribute something, but not too much. My brother had already picked out so much, and I was able to indicate what was important to me. I would also make a list of who should be present. Also taking into account corona. What if only 20 people are allowed to come, which one do you choose? It was hard for me in these emotional days. I didn't want to be on it, but I had to. I don't want my brother and father to have to think about this after I die. I just want to keep them off. So that's how I went to work with my list and picking out music. But it touched me deeply to be engaged in this subject. And here too, I cried a lot about it. Especially after I was sick and noticed how weak my body was. It could barely fight the virus.

But, I realized, I did. And slowly I started to see some positive points again. Not much, but enough to slowly find the way back up.
I made my collisions negotiable with the staff. I also managed to ask some more questions myself or to ask if she wanted to help me anyway. And so I even got from two nurses a very surprise package with all kinds of fun stuff in it. So sweet that I was overwhelmed by emotions again. But this time good emotions. I still don't know what exactly I did to get the attention of them, but I really appreciate it. There's a little book in it where you can write down every day why you love yourself. And that's what I do every day, and that's how every day gets a positive ending.

It is and will remain a strange time. Last year I was still in a lot of motion. I went to the gym, I swam and met with friends. Now I have been lying in a rehabilitation center for months, because I can no longer walk, so no longer go to the gym or the pool. But I have to save myself in a wheelchair. And now I am faced with a new challenge. I'm going to an apartment in a nursing home. I'm 46 years old and I'm going to a nursing home. I had to get used to that awfully. But I'm curious how I'm gonna get it off. Am I gonna make it on my own? How am I going to feel among all sorts of elderly people? I'm scared and curious at the same time. I prefer to go home, but unfortunately I can't. Like so many things in my life. I miss that so much. If only everything was just as before. A few months ago, actually. But I have to stay in reality and accept that it is no longer and will probably never be. So I look forward and with a positive feeling I take on my new challenge!
#k *nker cancer




Loading full article...