I'ts only as awkward as you let it be, they said.


When did staying over become the equivalent of having sex? It used to be a comfort, having someone next to me. Now it’s a challenge; how long before anything will happen? Am I still going to be able to have a steady friendship with this person? It’s both terrifying and exciting at the same time.

What are the signs? Am I reading them right? Maybe I’m just looking for them because I feel alone. Or perhaps I am the one directing them. Maybe the other person feels the same.

Laying next to each other, we might be best friends. Is it still okay to hold each other or would that provoke things?

I’m mostly scared of the aftermath, of what I will feel when they leave. I don’t want them to leave.

But even if nothing happens, you’ll still be left with this feeling of uncertainty. The signs were there, weren’t they? What will they expect next time? I have been gullible before. Trusting them to not make any moves. Not because I didn’t want them to, but because I trusted them. Trusted them to handle my kindness with care and not feeling the need to repay me with intimacy.

But it’s not all about trust. It’s also about setting boundaries. To say no, to not let them go any further, to not let them touch me but it just feels so good to get touched. To feel loved. And who better to love you than your best friends. There is no tension or anything because you know them. You know their breathing and you know every touch from through their t-shirt. But you’re just left hanging above this endless pit of uncertainty. Were there any feelings before or were you just thinking this is supposed to be part of a friendship.

It’s only as awkward as you let it be, they said. But the hickey on my neck makes things harder to believe. And don’t they dare to repeat the past, to not text me after this. Don’t they dare leave me here with one less friend to call. Don’t show up to leave me for some piece of used flesh. I am not their booty call. Don’t expect me to be their easy hit, because we already know this is going to take a mental toll on us both. At least I hope it will. Don’t break my trust, I want to be able to have friends. I want to have sleepovers and not be scared to lose them.

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