no, I don't have any notebooks (7)

27 March 2017
My dearest

First of all, I apologize for the last time. Second, things I blamed you are things I blame my own. You know, I'm so glad you had to remind me of the fact that I totally lost myself under all these years. Thank you for that. Really from the bottom of my heart I want to thank you for that. I found out that I'm actually the one who's not ready for a relationship, that I'm the one who needs to find myself, too.. And that I'm the one that needs to see myself first before I can see someone else.

Therapy is a weird thing but my first session, just over and it was way too confrontational.. I already knew that the two of us are the same or that there is a connection between us. I know now that you're my mirror. Thou reacts how I react and vice versa. And unfortunately both of us are not strong enough to move on now because we're both going to break our lives.. My trauma or call it what you want is the fact that I've been cheated over so many years ago. Apparently, the processing of it wasn't the way it was supposed to be.

And I must first learn to accept that there is someone who likes to see me. Apparently, I've always been asking myself questions because, like you, I'm far too good, far too gullible and naive.. It's probably that I recognize in you, the fact that they also benefit from your goodness.. And that I see what they did to me, when you actually warned me at the same time.

The way you asked me to go for a drink on the first day, I had unfortunately never experienced. Because I probably just couldn't believe that anyone would love to see me all these years.. Man, you can't believe how confrontational that is. That confirmation I always need no one can give me because I probably never properly processed my heartbreak either.
That's just one of the many things I have yet to discover, I lost myself many years ago and with that I probably never really have been completely Inge. Inge shows to the outside world that she is a strong madame, but she is actually very shy.

Thou have also been the only one who has ever given me such a feeling from the beginning. But you know who I am (same). Not in all areas eh dear but the things I had to see, you showed me and I had to see them in order to find peace in myself again and be able to heal my heart again. That's probably why you came on my path by now. Unfortunately, I never had no rest outside with you at first.

And if I fight with you, I'll just sabotage myself.. I already know that by now.. At the moment, both of us are not strong enough for this because we are influenced from all sides by bad and negative people whom we are not really allowed to see or which we should not be bothered by.

And I need to be able to find myself now before I can move on with a relationship. And that's why I need to distance myself from people. And slow it down so we don't get any more things like this week. I have to find myself again. Which you knew a long time ago, of course, but I couldn't see that yet.

So, dear X, I need time, just like you need time. I should like to see myself again before I like to see someone else, and then all those gossip wouldn't crack me at all.. But let's just try to be friends.. If that works, I'll know it'll never break again.. I'm here for you, and you can count on me, and I'm not gonna let you down because I'm gonna abandon my own. But I think we need this. I'll call you, but with moderation and patience. Like you should be patient with me right now until I'm stronger. And of course we'll have another drink but all the days together is not good for us right now. Maybe that'll teach us how to choose each other instead of scaring each other's body.

And then maybe someday it'll work out between us, maybe neither will, but I'll have someone I can trust in his gut and you'll have a girlfriend for life. And like I said, and as you know your own, we're not gonna let anyone down.
And please, you are really welcome to me anytime. Never let anything else fool you. Like I tell you I believe in you. I'm still doing that!

It can already help us to talk better.. Like I asked this week, let's go for a walk again or just have a bag of coffee. You can see how you feel. Or need for company you come to me. But I have to put this back on paper because as I can't listen to anyone sometimes, question that I know my own (apparently not well but that's all right) Big kiss and soon xxx

PS This doesn't mean I'm leaving you or giving up because I'm still happy to see you.. Time heals all wounds, darling and probably ours too.

Love #burnout #hsp #autobiographical #ldvd