nouha.kpoper

· 06 Feb 2021

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Ending up heart broken..

1st day of heart break :
I couldn't believe this is happening to me again.
I didn't know how should I feel so I cried my heart out , my heart hurts...
05/02/2021 17:05 he simply blocked me.

2nd day of heart break:
I got up trembling and checking if this really happened or not.
I found out it wasn't a nightmare and it's real... he simply left ...
There's no coming back.
06/02/2021 09:48 I feel weird .. it'll be a long way getting rid of my addiction...
12:02
It's so sad that it was just a fantasy ...
Why didn't you love me back?
16:38
I NO more get out of my bed .. my body's so hot and I am breathless.. I want to just cry..
I wish time stopped for a while.
18:55
I wish you were here for me as I did ...
It feels weird .. How could you turn your back to me?
Was it really a goodbye? Why does it hurt ?
20:45
I wanna get rid of my social media accounts and wanna stay all alone with my sadness ...
I won't reach him again. I will no more crush my ego for him ...
He didn't care about me and that's so depressing ...
21:51
I wanna text him:
Are we really cutting each others off?
Am I the only one wanting you in even if you were always mean to me ?
23:03
It feels like eternity .. my heart hurts as hell , I am breathless and couldn't sleep..
I hate that for real ...
I wanna so badly to text him but I won't because if he cared he wouldn't block me .
why are you always mean to me ?

3rd day of heart break:
07/02/2021
09:19
I feel dead , I wanted so badly to text him and make him come back but I saw my friend's texts:
"He's gone Nouha.
He blocked you in his heart months ago and now blocked you on facebook.
He wouldn't meet you in real life and now he doesn't even want to receive anything from you.
He ghosted you , you get that ? He fucking ghosted you ...
You better forget."
That hurts so I stopped myself from texting him...
I should be stronger than that ... I shouldn't beg for love nor for him to stay ... No begging ... if he wanted me , he could act differently...
10:18
I Reread what my friend told me:"
Ti aabd 3inou fik momken n9olek kalmou radhih otlob smeh ama hedha moch mawjoud aslan! He’s nowhere!
Yaani he chose to leave he ghosted u fi9 ya nouha ejri el9ef rouhek rahi moch 3icha walah ".
13:33
I tried to call him but he hanged up ; I think he really left so I should seriously stop.
19:40
I tried to call him again but he hanged up , again..


4th day of heart break:
08/02/2021
19:16
I sent him an email 😐 I couldn't hold myself back knowing that I fucked logic 🙁
21:20
I am so sad and down ... I couldn't even study and I cried again.

5th day of heart break:
09/02/2021
07:31
I got up telling myself that he left. I am going out with my friends but I feel like not having fun 🙁 .
I want him in but he simply left. My mind is blocked...
21:19
Does it even matter? It hurts but this is a normal process to heal ...
I , two months ago, lost a friendship of 5 years and I didn't even cry ...
It will pass..

6th day of heart break:
10:55 10/02/2021
why did you do that to me?
I want so badly to text you but does it even matter , anymore?
You left , this is what you're good at doing ! Even if you came back , you will always leave ...
You did that before and this time , too.
14:55
He sent an email back after two passed days : " Holly Molly , so you followed me here?
Please Stop this. "
He's totally right but I really stopped following him since the two passed days and I had always to stop but I took
eternity to do so ...
22:14
I checked his email again and thought : " H e was never here , H e added nothing but Pain into my life, He manipulated me
and whenever he got angry , he treated me like shit and punished me with his rudness and silent treatments !
That person was never here for me whenever I needed him ...
When things got harder for me , he left ... He slept whenver I asked him to stay up and console me... He ignored me telling him that
I missed him ... He made me in emotional starvation whenever I told him that I needed him... He gave me his cold shoulder ...
We were so different in high levels : I was there whenever he needed me , whenever he asked me to be there , whenever he felt lonely
, whenever he told me he wanted to die , I didn't leave when he got sick , I didn't leave when he left and came back , I didn't leave when he asked
me to do so , I didn't leave at all and waited for someone who wouldn't come , I even was left by a friend because of him and I didn't regret a thing
... it just hurts me ...
But that 's fine ... I'll be fine .

7th Day of Heart Break:
I couldn't leave my bed sleeping all day long and couldn't have the words to express How it felt to be left!

8th Day ofHeart Break :
12/02/2027
21:05
it's getting worse ... I begged him to come back and he didn't even take time to answer back..
I am losing my mind and so fucking depressed .
I couldn't sleep and couldn't study at all ..
I no more have time but I am unable to work ...

9th Day of Heart Break :
13/02/2021
09:27
"he said that I need to move on or he's going to show me the worst version of him..
the email is a professional one and he's going to block me over here , too and he has nothing to do with me nor to tell me. there's plenty of guys
out there that I could crush over . He said that I should live my life and let him live his..
He told me that I am none in his life to tell him what to do , I'm not his Girlfriend and I am making him so uncomfortable "
You know people use you and once they're done doing that and you no more add a thing into their lives they'll throw you away ...
I simply got used and loved someone who I kept on asking what I was in his life and he kept playing words to not tell me
that I wasn't his girlfriend ...
But now after he left , he got the courage to spell it out ...
Anyway , he left for Good ! He was never good to me ...
00:13
07:43
14:49
https://youtu.be/hCrtcVDgCGw 

12nd Day of Heart Break:
16/02/2021
15:04
I heard the song again and our love is gone ! I meant my love is gone because you never was in and I've always tried to grasp to reality
but you made that an impossible thing to do...
You made me live in another lie loving someone who treated me like shit ! Rereading your messages made me realize that you never were
here but my blind love made me believe that you were in and there...
Maybe , I lied to myself , too?
How could I love someone like you?
How did I accept to be abused ?
How did I ask for sorries for things I didn't do ?
How did I let you manipulate me and use my Good heart?
How did I feel for you ?
How did I stick around you?
How did I accept to be kept by shallow and simple messages like '' Yo '' , ''hey'' and accepted to come back to you whenever you said ''ija andi'' and '' come and stfu'' ? How couldn't I refuse you ? How didn't I push you away like anyother guy?
I wasn't easy , I was never in for anyonelse but I was there for you and you fucked up !
You simply left and I do Hate you!
I really Hate you and now , I got it why you're hated ! You were never left as you said but you made them feel shitty and you made them hate themselves to leave so you were pushing everyone to leave and hurting them non stop and once they didn't accept to leave , you left them...
You're just a selfish person who doesn't know what he wants and who'll use people in order to survive!
you suck the life out of everyone and you deserve nothing but hate and pain because you're never a good person , you are so evil !
No matter How I tried to not hurt you nor hate you , I couldn't do it ! I ended up hating you like any other person in your life...
You are Hated and I hate you ! You left like I was some stranger and you ghosted me...

I , I regret what I said about hating you and that you're hated ! You are a sick person who seek for love and should be loved !
I excuse you for everything you did , I sympathize with you , I believe that you lived such tramatized events and that made
you full of rage and hate but I don't deserve to be punished for things I didn't do ! And I really hope you never come back nor reach me again!
You better stay away from me , I deserve better ! You will be good for someone you're ready to be with but that wasn't me and you could tell me so ! You could help me out and stay away and be clear to me !
You were so bad to me but I have no right to hate a sick person that life made him from a bunch of broken parts!
You are so broken Dude and you asked me to go to fix myself forgeting that you are broken , too and you need to be fixed!
I thought I could fix what you had and be a beautiful part of your life but all you did was breaking me , too and making me
depressed again !
21:00
I hate that :'( I really miss him and I want him back but I can't do a thing about that .
It is what it is , I hope he's doing well ..
21:25
I've read some of my notes to my room mate and I was scared of how would she see me as someone loving a guy I've never met but he meant
a lot to me :( I missed him and he's no more here :(
23:32
I am sorry for talking about you that way ; I just got angry at you and I shouldn't be as you are!
I am not rude nor a narcissist and I felt your pain and relieved our sorrow then fell for your darkness before falling for you..
I just hope you find happiness and forget your painful past ! You deserve to have a peaceful life and that's okay that you got
rid of me !
I am better off alone , I love you Cold Gemini even if you've hurt me so bad and made me cry!
I want you to be happy and okay! I am not as selfish as you !
tight hugs and kisses <3 I will stop writing about you and about being hurt !
that should have an end .
I love you and sweet Good byes , I wish that didn't end up that way and I wish I could hug you and hear your voice !
I really Loved you and I miss you but I need to accept that you're no more here for me...
Good bye forever <3 Maybe we will meet after life ...
Cold Gemini.

17/02/2021
22:01
I feel depressed and I am destroying myself ...
I really need to forget..

19/02/2021
00:13
How did I end up to be that broken?
I texted him yesterday at 22:00 and 23:49 telling him that I envy him that he didn't get attached as I did and he moved on
as I was never there.
And I am really sad and crying , I texted my friend that I had nowhere to go and none to text but she's not here , too.
I ended up lonely , everyone left and I am sinking .
I want to end up the pain but I should never bring suicide up , never...
I am so tired .
#notes