Numb


'Every day holds something new' is what I was taught to believe by my own self, by people around me, on social media, everywhere ... It simply resembled to hope. But not everyone is as hopeful as others. Someone that drowns every day in the ocean she 'created' herself says this, please don't judge me, although, I guess I don't just care anymore. Just like those other long nights, that I'd spend wide awake, torturing myself, not sleeping for so long as if I was punishing myself for something. Cause asleep I knew I wouldn't feel guilty. Little did I know, everything would take even a turn to even worse. Melancholy was flowing inside my veins, I was stuttering some weird words out. Things I never thought would get out of this sealed soul. Well, not to sound dramatic, but If I could choose, I'd be somewhere else, out of here, I wouldn't wait for this to end, yet wouldn't end it myself either. I wished I would be feeling the last breath out right after. Nothing happened. I wished to be in such agonizing pain, that it would make me feel alive a bit. I felt nothing. I wished I'd be bleeding out, so I'd feel every drop of blood leaving my body. Like it is an illusion. I wished ... I'd be burning deep in the flames, caused by my own self, screaming and yelling, just to remind myself that I'm alive, once in a while, while trying to hold up my body, not to fall, with the hope that this way I'd burn better, hurt better. Well this one came true. Finally ... I was amidst the 'flames', with nothing but my own screams by my side. Alone with the pain I was feeling at the moment. Just loneliness, deep in me. I guess even this' fire 'wasn't hot enough to burn my hurt and fade my screams away. And as I was struggling to try and feel a bit of life right inside the chaos I had just caused, I realized I had lost myself. At the most unexpected time, like I always do. It wasn't the first, and definitely not the last. It was late at night, and this time not even sleep could carry away the weight of my yesterdays, and my tomorrows, as if my todays, seem like they won't ever exist ...