Coercive control , or translated into English ' imperative control '.
What is that really??
In this blog I mainly explain coercive control after the termination of the relationship . This is the result of my own experience with a toxic ex-partner and justice, who fails to protect the joint children.
You can find the following information:
1. What is coercive control?
2. How bad is coercive control?
3. What dangers affect victims of coercive control after ending the relationship?
4. How can such errors occur systematically?
5. My own experience with youth welfare consultants.
6. My own experience with the children's court.
7. A writing to the Juvenile Judge.
8. The reaction of the child judge.
9. The reaction of Jan Storms, experienced in recognizing hidden psychopathy.
10. Assistance in Belgium and the Netherlands.
11. Assistance international.
12. Is mental violence punishable?
13. Known and lesser-known victims.
14. A Belgian petition with the request to stop coercive control.
Explanation of sickly behaviour during the relationship can be found in my blogs about destructive relationships.
Klik op de foto:
1) What is coercive control?
Coercive control is partner violence during and sometimes after a relationship. It's about pressure, intimidation and threat. It's about compulsive control, which can greatly escalate during a divorce or after the termination of a relationship.
It is not a physical crime of violence (more), but rather a crime of liberty.
The worst cases are those in which the behaviour, which was already present during the relationship, continues afterwards, until the age of majority of the children.
These are practices aimed at the former partner, who has moved away from the destructive relationship, often even when the toxic person has had a new partner for a long time. The perpetrator cannot and does not want to let go of control or power of yesteryear and continues to abuse.
There's been threats, scare, harassment, legal terror , exploitation, deprivation of human rights, literally getting sick of prey and children.
The aim is to completely destroy the victim, and the perpetrator abuses even unscrupulously innocent children and third parties. During the relationship, the victim was already in a world of everyday terror. After the relationship, it is a world of tug-of-war and power games through lawyers and courts, as well as deprivation of tax, social and utility services become .
Letting the joint children out of the house is usually one of the destructive goals of the perpetrators of this terror.
The perpetrators are mostly men. The offender often comes across to the outside world as an amical boy, allowing one to be deceived that he is charming, friendly and fun.
But you're actually being cheated.. He is humiliating, manipulative and even conspiratory dangerous. It's about a wolf in sheepskin .
2) How bad is coercive control?
Compulsory control can take very extreme forms. My own story is so fierce that I can testify that the truth often transcends fiction. It is therefore not surprising that people with a normal healthy mind find the testimonies of victims and their children unbelievable.
Sometimes the goal is to literally achieve the death of prey, murder in slow motion.
When the victim is effectively killed by the offender, the perpetrator will foresee that the prey the death of the beloved child (s) will have to behold . The offender enjoys such abuse of power.
3) What dangers affect victims of coercive control after ending the relationship?
A victim of pathogen parenting often suffers from corresponding problems of global peers. The following things can be expected when there is severe psychopathy:
• Losing the children. Either by kidnapping, murder, suicide or intervention of child care through an out home placement . The children are regularly forced by the children's court to live full-time with the abusing or incest-committing parent, and there are known cases where the patron was dismissed from parental control .
• Pets are killed or severely beaten or disappear from the face of the earth.
• Financially on the ground. Often there was exploitation during the relationship deprived of financial independence. This continues after the breakup. Employed work is lost every once in a while by harassment, stalking, threat (sometimes even the employer and colleagues) or legal terror. Your own business is thwarted and tax or social benefits such as unemployed, sick or disabled are deprived of you in illogical ways.
• Homelessness or imminent homelessness. Many victims camp in tents or forests, hide in churches, monasteries or other sacred places or be taken care of by friends or acquaintances.
• Family Ejection. The perpetrator acts so cunning and crafty that he puts everything and everyone against you, causing even your own family to break off contact. Sometimes out of pure fear of the destructive, but often also because the lies prevail over the truth.
• Convictions or effective imprisonment . The unsub gets away with everything. The victim ends up on the basis of distortions, pathological lies, perjury, nepotism, corruption, bad legislation or the wrong judge at the right time, on a criminal record or even in jail. Sometimes because of the attempt to protect themselves or their children, to testify or to engage as a human rights activist. There are also known cases of women who have fallen ill because of fear of justice and are regularly convicted in absentia.
4) How can such errors occur systematically?
The current justice system is designed to reduce partner violence in conflict separations to feed. The compulsive control that was already present during the relationship and from which the victim has withdrawn is continued after the breakup.
Judges, consultants and lawyers actively participate in this. Joint children are not only deployed to destroy the prey of the destructive parent, but are systematically destroyed by a malfunctioning system.
The child who has already endured severe traumas by the destroying parent , there will still be abuses to endure. This is due to incorrect decisions of children's judges, who are sent by consultants or family members. These, in turn, are often guided by assumptions or pathological lies spread by the culprit or lawyers , even the minor's lawyer knowingly or unconsciously actively cooperates. Children in Belgium are entitled to a lawyer, but he is appointed by the system and also follows the. The common path is to give the perpetrator his way and take out the protective parent. Even when the minor reaches an age at which he himself should be given a hearing right, it is often his own lawyer who sweeps the testimonies off the table and advises the traumatized child to keep away from the protective person, often the maternal figure . Usually, the child's lawyer is not chosen himself, but appointed by the bar and represents the interests of the sick parent out of sympathy or under the encouragement of a friend fellow lawyer, the defense of the offender. I myself have experience with a youth lawyer who, from the start of the file, motivated the judge to leave a small innocent child and worked cold-blooded here sitting after hearing until the child was pulled out of the safe home situation with the caring mother.
5) My own experience with youth welfare consultants:
Ikzelf ontdekte dankzij een uitmuntende arts dat ik midden in een dossier binnen de psychopathie gerold ben. I was told by a clever doctor why I should not expect help from judges and consultants. I thought I could break this statement that was made in detail by professionals. My ex was expelled by a judge at the time because of multiple violence and refusing to follow his therapy imposed by the prosecutor's office. It cannot be so difficult to clarify that the violence was simply continued through harassment and legal terror after breakup?
As soon as I referred to the gruesome truth and even commented on Jan Storms's book, specializing in destructive relationships, I became the prey of consultants who believed it was safer to keep the child away from me.
A mother who believed that her ex would better start up his therapy imposed by the Attorney of the King, appeared to be a greater danger in the eyes of the provision than the perpetrator who refuses to take his advanced therapy.
Understand who can understand.
6) My own experience with the children's court:
Gezien hoofdstuk 8 van DROTS, het befaamde boek van Jan Storms pure realiteit blijkt te zijn en ik nog steeds van mening ben dat rechters niet kunnen ingrijpen als hun ogen niet worden geopend, stuurde ik een aangetekend schrijven rechtstreeks naar de jeugdrechter die bevoegd is om mijn zoontje te beschermen tegen elke vorm van misbruik of geweld.
My writing was overly clear. Please read how I created clarity with this university scholar.
7) A writing to the Juvenile Judge:
Edelachtbare mevrouw de rechter,
Volgende week heb ik een nieuwe afspraak met u in het bijzijn van de consulente alsook de advocaat van de minderjarige.
I wonder what I can do at cabinet session?
If I tell you the truth and/or bring out some facts, I will be portrayed as destructive.
When my child screams for help, this is whispered off as whispered by mother.
When I beg for protection for the child, this is dismissed as “unstable mother”.
The real disturbed people, the perpetrators, are considered model parents, because in the short conversations with the rescuers they come across as “accommodating and willing”.
The patron comes across as rebellious, because it is defending the rights of the child.
I did not have my degree yet when I was offered a job from the manager of a healthcare company, because during my internship it turned out that I could deal better with trauma children and rebellious children than the qualified family helmets.
I was the only one in regional family help at the age of 17 who could deal with a rebellious teenager and managed to stop it from self-cutting and school absenteeism.
By the way, I'm also the one that Jonas' (*) kinderen uit een vorig huwelijk, van nieuwe zelfmoordpogingen heeft kunnen afhouden. That all Jonas' ex-partners have already failed suicide attempts, should be an eye opener. I am apparently the only one of his female victims who is not suicidal, something my perpetrator still hopes to achieve, based solely on the words he has spoken to third parties over the past few years.
I can give you a lot of names of people who are in trauma therapy by Jonas, some didn't even have a relationship with him, which for him is often just a reason to stalk and threaten.
Your colleague, youth judge xxx once made clear:” Sorry, since the new wife is of the same guise, I can't do anything and not enforce therapy with father in exchange for holding visitation rights.. “
Meanwhile, my child has been between two terrorizing parents for ten long years, because stepmother is apparently worse than the natural father.
Do you have any idea the damage my child continues to suffer because judges refuse to start guided visits?
By the way, using accompanying visitor rights is my own wish. My son does not even want to visit under guidance, because he knows better than you how these will go. Once the accompanied has turned their back on the parent, new threats are made... and once again no one believes the child.
My child wants to rest and longs for a time out, but gets only disbelief and misunderstanding.
Madam Judge,
For years I have earned my living in writing theses and giving lectures on communicating, relating and educating.
I raised 6 children between 0 and 18 years old, not counting my jobs and internships.
Everything has been reviewed: From kids with anxiety of abandonment, dyslexia, dyscalculia, heartbreak to adolescent behavior. I even gave tips and educational advice to an employee of the Juvenile Court, for which very great gratitude was expressed.
At the moment, I hear that you have the view that I do not want to accept aid from the provision.
Do you mean refusal of help or do I simply refuse to follow unpedagogical advice that will only cause greater harm?? To force me to shut up my child every time he breathes his heart over the continuing violence he has to endure, I do not call professional advice. Going to the doctor with my child if worrying statements of the consultant cause a hyperventilation attack several times, I call not refusing from help, but feeling of responsibility.
And so I can list a lot of examples.
I do not refuse help, Madam Judge, I beg for help.
Help from a judge who looks a little further than the denominator 'fighting separation'.
Can you please be assisted by a professional with knowledge of the MASIC method so that the canvas finally falls?
I defended my unsub for years, because I suffered from Stockholm syndrome. Now that I am finally able to accept the truth and pass on the professional knowledge conveyed to me to Youth Welfare, I myself am being carried forward as a toxic parent.
I hope my writing opens your eyes.
This letter was written to protect my own child, but especially in the name of countless victims of psychological abuse, pathological lying as well as manipulation, exploitation, intimate terror, coercive control and family violence.
I hope that this letter, as well as a discussion at cabinet session, in the presence of one of the doctors who has made several worrying findings in the minor, will finally ensure proper judicial intervention in order to protect the minor.
Pending new legislative changes and adapted training courses for the consultants in such cases, I hope that you as a juvenile court will go to the best to protect my son from further trauma.
That you're questioning my story, I can deal with it, but I hope you will at least hear the minor's experience. My son, like myself, is radical against lies and injustice.
The truth still comes out of the child's mouth and should not be ignored.
Yours sincerely,
Mieke Van Liefde, Mama of Michiel
(*) Jonas is het pseudoniem dat ik in mijn blogs gebruik ter vervanging van de geboortenaam van mijn ex.
(*) Michiel is het pseudoniem dat ik in mijn blogs gebruik ter vervanging van de geboortenaam van mijn zoon.
8) The reaction of the child judge:
In het bijzijn van een medicus, de huisarts en tevens vertrouwenspersoon van de minderjarige, kreeg ik te horen dat ik moet stoppen met dergelijke insinuaties en mijn kind op deze wijze schade berokken.
The Juvenile Court also asked that I should stop discussing the issues I am experiencing with the provision with therapists from the CAW and CGZ.
In concrete terms, it means that not only was there refused to provide appropriate assistance to the minor, but the judge also expects me to stop any form of healing from compelling control and parental rejection and slowly die of impotence..
The GP's mouth fell open to surprise because of the incompetence of what calls himself professional.
9) The reaction of Jan Storms, experienced in recognizing psychopathy:
There is almost no knowledge of psychopathy among professionals, while that is at the heart of most difficult child protection cases. Separations are not the main problem. On the contrary even. They are often part of necessary protection. The main problem - and the biggest source of child abuse - is the ignorance of professionals.
11) Aid International:
The Women's Coalition:
Was founded by Cindy Dumas, a female victim who discovered unable to protect her children from their violent father. Cindy had a son at the time who was forced by several judges to live under the roof of a parent who sexually abused the child. Her adult son Damon is now actively participating in the women's coalition. He does so as communication director of the organization. The man can testify that the only way to escape the abuse at the time was to marry at a young age.
12) Is mental violence punishable?
Consequences of prolonged psychological violence can be medically demonstrated. However, in Belgium and the Netherlands it is not punishable (yet).
Perpetrators of harmful, emotional violence often commit other offences, which are criminal.
• Physical violence resulting in incapacity for work.
• Coercion to proceed to insurance fraud.
• Drug trafficking.
• Money laundering or other illegal fraud.
• Loverboy practices, telephone sex, webcam work or other form of human trafficking.
• Coercion to commit theft.
• Paedophilia, incest or other sexually transboundary behaviour.
You can try to prosecute a perpetrator of Belgian or Dutch nationality for these criminal practices. I emphasize the word ' trying ' .
Apparently, I'm not the only expert who has found that justice works very badly when you are a survivor of practices committed by a (ex) partner .
Experience has been that convictions are largely pronounced when they are committed in front of strangers.
“Judges work so slowly and badly that I sometimes advise victims of crime to file a complaint because the court is psychologically doing even more harm than the crime.”
William Pitchot, Professor of Psychiatry.Psychisch geweld is officieel wel strafbaar in de volgende landen:
- Frankrijk (2010)
- Engeland (2015)
- Australië (2018)
- Nieuw Zeeland (2018)
- Ierland (2019)
- Schotland (2019)
- Wales (2019)
- United States of America (2019)
13) Known and lesser-known victims:
Overlevers van gewelddaden worden door de officiële voorziening afgeblokt wanneer zij hun verhaal willen delen. Even the abused children are often silenced by judges, consultants, family members and other members of the family.. Their stories are bore off as fantasy, slander and honor robbery because the wolf's entourage in sheepskin is stronger than the actual black sheep.
Fortunately, there are experience experts with knowledge of how justice and government fails. To survive this infernal period, victims seek refuge among themselves.
Worldwide names are known of those who were abandoned by a society that does not punish the consequences of psychopathy. Many names were announced because they have not survived the constant violence .
As a survivor of multiple violence and as a mother of a high-risk minor, I would like to present to the government a list of names of Belgian victims. The aim is that judges and youth advocates can consult such a list at any time whether it is a continued partner violence or a conflict separation. On top of that, I put both Belgian and Dutch victims in contact with each other, thus being able to support each other. The fact that you read this article carefully means that there is a high probability that your name, as well as that of your children, will be in the list of risk cases. Early identification and intervention is necessary. It can save you a lot of suffering and money, prevent an unjustified exit from home, as well as save the life or health of yourself or the children.
Legally speaking, judges and lawyers must conduct fact-finding. An inventory of partner violence can be an ideal opportunity for this, so that it can be switched to the MASIC method , which is often forgotten or ignored in both Belgium and the Netherlands.
14) A Belgian petition with the request to stop coercive control:
Tommeke is twaalf jaar en heeft aan jarenlange mishandeling, ondersteund door rechters, advocaten en consulenten, zowel lichamelijke als psychische klachten overgehouden aan het voortdurende meervoudig geweld. The demand for “guided visits”, even at the request of doctors, were systematically swept off the table. The result is recognizable for survivors of mental, physical and/ or sexual violence : PTSD, dissociation, burnout, depression and wanting to be dead, in order to escape lasting violence. In the case of Tommeke there is even a psychosis .
Protective parents who take good care of their offspring, but are victims of a worrying system... it's still a global problem.
Text: Mieke Of Love
Photos: Pixabay
Sources:
• Own experience
• Conversations with doctors and therapists
• Conversations with peers
• Statistics on criminality worldwide: https://www.ggznieuws.nl
Own experience Mieke Van Liefde:
• Between 2006 and 2010 survivor of multiple partner violence.
• Between 2010 and 2020 survivor of ex-partner violence (same offender as 2006-2010 period).
• Between 2020 and 2026, terror will continue (the perpetrator proclaimed to mother, child and third parties between 2006 and today)
• Even after the perpetrator was evicted by judgment on grounds of intra family violence, intimate terror, coercive control and family violence can last until the joint children reach the age of majority.
Mieke Of Love
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