Shameless Dreams
For a long time I've been walking around with a terrible heaviness. Is this it? ? Is this “life “? ? This feeling came to me for the first time a few years ago. I was still in a relationship where I was not happy for a while and in which I had been satisfied with 'carrying water to the sea'. It suddenly felt like I didn't want to do that anymore, while I fought hard for years to get the #change that would make our family 'whole' at the time.
Eventually — and that took months, maybe years — I chose to stop the relationship. I was afraid of the #unknown . Quit a relationship I've been in for more than half my life, a little baby and all sorts of other things that had given me security in life for years. That's not something your overnight decides.
It was really hard, I'm not going to deny that, but it did bring me 'something better'. Right now I have a great new partner and my ex-boyfriend — with whom I had argued almost every day — has now become a good friend. We're all right with each other and we just — with our new partners — regularly come across. That's something I never dreamed of at the time.
At the moment I have been feeling the same for several months. This time not within my relationship, but within all sorts of other aspects of my life. Is this it? ? I go to the same work every day with my lunch package for the rest of my life? A 9 to 5 job, which you can't really grow in? Apparently, there are many people who settle for this and do this for years for the same company. I'm gonna live here forever? On the same piece in the same country? What's this gonna look like in the future?
Since I was in my burnout I suddenly don't know anything for sure. I'm sure there's more to life than just the none that most people do. As I write this, the spots shoot in my neck and I feel a slight panic. my #monkeymind /ego immediately wonders if I am well in my head that wants to discover something in me what that 'other' is.
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