Someone told me that I was faking depression and that I was lying about having
problems in my family because of not taking all the time to show up my sadness
on social medias.
I just took a short period of time and went out to assist a marriage .
However , in that moment , I don't really feel sad about being judged in that way
but what that person doesn't know is the actual Me being there , in nowhere trying
to seem alive in other people's eyes ,trying to escape my fucked up situation ,
that person didn't see me sleeping all day long or not assisting group
talks or losing breaths or feeling weird and like I don't belong in any place I
go to ....
Moreover , I didn't try to explain all of that to him because he doesn't
care and even if he does that would crush my ego to open up or to try to make him
see what's hidden behind all of those happy posts I post.
in the past year june 2019 , I had to look up into the most hurtful stuff in my life
, to see the true colors of someone , I still posted posts in that time to hide
how nervous or how fucked I was , I felt dead and used pills to calm down and hide
everything and till now my family don't know how hard that time was for me , they
didn't know that I was about to die or about to get a bad reputation or that I was
recieving abuse from someone I truly loved and cared for.
Trust me , social medias show nothing but happy shit but the hidden struggle is
then , You know ! people are weird !
they have something they believe in and no matter what you say , they will always
use their perceptions to look at you and they will always , always judge you...
Anyway , I don't really want to look sad , I don't want to have someone to see
me pathetic because two years ago , I opened up about my pain , my scars ,
my problems then one day I found out that I was laughed at and called
a drama queen.
The person I trusted was sharing screen shots of me talking about my struggles ,
I was neglected , I looked pathetic and hated . And he told me with a cold tone :
Nouha , I still don't know why you still exist till now , Nouha why don't you just
die ? you will never change , you will never find your way out and you're just
a confused and fucked up person .
then , I had to really fight back because of having his words in mind ,
I had long days trying to get up from my bed and feel something , I wanted so
badly to survive , I didn't want to cut again , I didn't want to harm myself but
I wanted to love her , to look after her ... I wanted to make sure that all
what he said wasn't going to happen ;
I started to cut people off once I feel hurt , unwanted or abused .
And , I now write while crying because of being judged again ,because of not being
strong enough to leave , because of being called a coward and maybe I am
because of trusting someone who used everything against me and kept on
abusing me but I don't know what's wrong with me accepting all that abuse
under the name of love ...
Love was never that way , Love doesn't hurt you , Love doesn't make you look
pathetic , Love doesn't destroy you , Love isn't abusive , hurtful or dramatic,
Love doesn't make you feel unwanted , unloved , broken ...
That's not Love nouha ...
That's never going to be love ...
Nouha , Wake up ...
#socialmedias #love #happy #hurt #struggles #notes

Social medias show nothing , WAKE UP...