At the age of 16, my patience was spectacularly tested. Six long months I've lived with the cortisol levels of a neonate just passed the baring canal, fed each time by passing the red PTT van or slamming car doors. Cause: an action by the then Postbank. You got a mobile phone there for free if you put 1000 euros in your savings account and my dear mother did this for me. Unfortunately, I was not the only one with such a sweet mother, causing delivery problems that resulted in the 6 months of torture. I really couldn't think of anything else about that phone. I got up with it, I slept with it, and I didn't sleep.

Patience, I don't have it. Clearly a “Novo “mutation in my genes, because I don't recognize this in my parents at all. My brain is best described as the eye of Sauron from The Lord of the Rings. An eye on a high tower, without eyelids, unable to blink, looking through everything. Totally focused on only one thing: the ring. Distracting is almost impossible because of the enormous intrinsic motivation to retake power. The telephone of the Postbank describes the torment I experience about waiting. Waiting for grades for tests or papers was already problematic in high school. I regularly walked to the teacher's room to entice the teachers with my blue eyes to speed up delivery of the results. Often without success. How I ever survived all these audition results as a singer I really can't understand anymore. First sign in and wait for an invitation (sometimes already a rejection). Then audition and wait for the result that was often weeks in coming and was usually a rejection. Every time the sound of an incoming email was heard on my phone, my heart rate rose and I felt the adrenaline bringing my body to full readiness. Then I was able to click out the email of weekly offers of Albert Heijn again. Super smart to do another training, with tests, and grades. With some fear I look to the future in which my patience will be tested by many childbirth.

It is not just doom and gloom, by the way. My Sauron brain also creates periods of very large focus. When I reflect on it according to the method of the nuclear quadrants (I can't believe I voluntarily do this now in a blog) it is called 'decisive' and I certainly recognize that in myself. Complete mountains can be moved, especially if there is a lot of pressure on the kettle due to a deadline. Unfortunately, the pitfall 'dramsy' is not unknown to me, which will undoubtedly be confirmed by my husband. I can often only find peace when I have asked or said it again, or have been able to vent my feelings one last time. The downside of my decisiveness and dramness are periods of inaction. These periods can rightly be called my 'allergy', because Sauron becomes very restless. Because I'm on or off, black or white. I find gray so awkward. Good luck with the obstetrics in which EVERYTHING is gray. And so my challenge is “patient.” Well, logical, over and out!

theartofbeingpatient

I wander... Getting pregnant turned out to be part of my life's lesson of patience. After the mental immaculate conception in 2014 that resulted in an all-transcending child wish, it took almost a year before I was actually pregnant with our son. Very normal, a year, mega average, but for my Sauron brain an almost impossible task. Every method of detection of ovulation was used and for informative support I purchased a second-hand copy of “Obstetrics and Gynecology:the reproduction of man by M. J. Heineman. I read this from cover to cover. Mind you: this was before I decided to study obstetrics. The patience gods were more favourable to me in the pregnancy of our daughter. 1.5 weeks after the decision to go for it I had a positive pregnancy test in my hands and I could not take my luck. Little did I know. My daughter turns out to be my greatest challenge, an ultimate exercise in patience. Because of her developmental disorder, we do not know if and when she will go through what development. Any development she does makes makes makes them slower. Everything at her own pace, beyond my control. Patience and letting go. There have been times when it felt like punishment, or karma. I would have been impatient about starting a new training course. It all had to be NOW. Getting pregnant again, turning life around, I couldn't wait anymore, I was unhappy and it all had to be different now. And that's why I had a handicapped baby, karma. Not bad luck, but your own fault big bump. It still hurts a little when I think back, how hard I can be on myself. Meanwhile, I know it was part of my grieving process and I was able to give it a place. It still feels like karma, but in a positive way. Not as punishment, but as a way to grow. Grow in the art of having patience.

#theartofbeingpatient #geduld #levenderouw #gehandicaptedochter #studerendemoeder #verloskundigeinopleiding #VIO #operazangeres

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