The Struggle is Real

I woke up this morning with an amazing message and beautiful picture of my new second cousin. My cousin had a speedy delivery and gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Both are doing well. From my quick calculation, this would have been great grandchild # 34 if my grand parents were still alive. My mom is 1 of 11 children, which means I grew up with a lot of cousins. Some of which I was (am) close with, and have great memories on play dates, sleep overs, birthday parties etc.

When I got the message, I was so happy and then I got a little sad. I am not able to go over and cuddle with him, and the fact that our children “miss out” on growing up with a strong and close relationship with their cousins stings. It is such a double feeling as we are so happy here and we soak up every second when our family comes over, however sometimes I wish that we were closer to them and they could have sleep overs with their cousins and second cousins.

So my day goes on and I have to pick up flowers from my local supplier who is about a 20 minute drive away from me. While driving I drive through the farm lands and I have a blue sky and bright sunlight (see picture). I can’t help but enjoying this happy feeling I get all over me. The feeling of freedom, space, happiness, and grateful that I am in this amazing country. I pick up my flowers and on the way back I struggle with my happy/sad feelings. Why do I feel sad and happy at the same time?

And then.... at 9:17 am in a wide open field, nothing growing yet there stand tall 3 deer. 2 of them look right at me. For some reason, I associate deer with my late grandfather and I can’t help but shout out: THANK YOU!!! Instantly, I was reminded to one of my last phone conversations with my grandfather before he got really sick. In that phone call he asked me: Are you really happy there? And I said: Yes, I am really happy here. Then he asked if Rodger was taking good care of me and Emily and again I said “Yes, he really does”. And to confirm it one more time he again asked me if I am really happy here, and sure enough I told him: Yes grandpa, I am really really happy here. My grandfather passed away while I was pregnant with Nicholas and often when I think about him or feel him/miss him, I see a deer.

So even though I struggle with my feelings at times, I know I made the right decision a long time ago. It doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard at times. It doesn’t mean that I not homesick (or family sick as I like to call it lol), it means that I have tough days, and I am allowed those days. I am so incredible happy with our live that we build up here and our door is always open for family and friends, whether they come from The Netherlands, Canada or anywhere else, because I know it is important to have a relationship with them all, no matter how far they are, they will always be in our lives.