I ran to my room, my eyes filled with tears. I shut the door behind me and sat next to it. I held my knees and let the emotions completely rule my whole body. I covered my ears so I can’t hear what my mom was going to say. I know she won’t understand what I’m going through.
She knocked at my door and calls out for my name.
“Please, just leave me alone. Wake me up when September ends!” I shouted.
It was the first time I yelled at my mom. She doesn’t deserve that, but I have to because I don’t want her to get involved. I cannot tell her that I’m losing sanity because of a boy who changed my life in his own little ways. She’ll be mad if she finds out that I fell in love. I’m young and naïve, yet I took risks and this I get from not following my Mom’s advice.
I should have listened.
September used to be my happiest month, but it brought me down.
I fell in love in the ninth month of the Gregorian calendar. I fell in love with the smell of soft loamy earth and the rusty colored leaves that fall down from the almost bare branches. I fell in love with the gloomy sun and frozen air that brought chills to my bones.
It was the same month last year when we first met. His eyes are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. And then he gives me a smile that just seems so genuinely sweet. His lips are the softest thing I have tasted. He painted a ray of sunshine on my face and I can’t get enough of his words. I’m completely breathless. He turned my heart into gold.
His love warmed my cold heart and took away all my anxieties. All my rubbish thoughts are gone. I learned how to trust, how to let someone in. I learned that there’s nothing wrong with falling in love. My mom was wrong; love can’t hurt you, it will make you happy. And I’m happy. I hope she can see me, how glad I was when I met the man of my dreams. She’ll regret everything she has said.
Months passed and winter and summer came, fall has begun, September officially started. Everyone is excited, especially me who loved this month so much. But everything about us was completely different now. His eyes are the most lonesome eyes I have ever seen, his smiles faded and disgust took over his face, his lips ran dry and I can’t longer taste it. He was unhappy and I’m completely breathless once again. His heart turned cold and my gold heart slowly melts away. He wasn’t the man I fell in love with before.
He dumped me.
Suddenly… my autumn, my September entirely changed.
My mom noticed the damage love had given me. I bet she found out what happened with me. I’m no longer the daughter she had. I asked myself a million times, “Where did I go wrong?” But no answers came out of my mouth. I can’t find the answers to my questions, nor find hope for my miserable being.
Maybe this is the price I have to pay for not considering my mom’s lectures. I bet she’s right; I shouldn’t rush love. But what could I do? It’s done, I’m completely shattered, there’s nothing left for me. No shoulders to cry on, no more arms to hold on to. Perhaps, I became so dependent on him that I forgot that I should have learned how to leave something for myself or that I shouldn’t give my 100 percent.
Day by day, my mom still checked on me. She’s spending 30 minutes of speech outside my door. She told me how much she loves me and everything will be alright. I didn’t respond to anything she has said. I just listen to every word her heart speaks, steadily making my heart to sink again. She’s been right all along.
I let my body heal by time and my soul to recuperate from the heartache he gave me. No one knows how hard it is for me to let him go. No one knows how painful it was to be left by someone you thought was the one for you, the person you thought was the right man who will be waiting for you at the end of the altar. I was a dreamer and somehow I still catch myself dreaming of him.
I spent the rest of my month alone in my dark hollow room contemplating every action I had made. I decided to remove him from my blood, and let him disappear out of my head. I tried to control my emotions and think of happy thoughts because that’s the right thing to do. Tears stop falling and I can already see sunshine at my window pane. Another knock came at my door and this time, I opened it. My mom was there, with her arms wide opened. I ran into her and after a month of sorrow, I felt loved again.
And she said, “You woke up early. It’s already October.”
“Thank you.” That’s all I can say.