Dementia as Blessing

It's January 13, 2018 when I get a call at 07:10am My mom died.

The message does not come unexpectedly. My mother was 88 years old and had Alzheimer's for 8 years. That day I drive to my dad and tell him that mom, his wife, died. They were married for almost 60 years, and although her death was no surprise to him, I see something changes in his eyes. Everything in me tells me this is a lasting change..

We were able to arrange a nice funeral for my mom. A worthy last farewell. I spoke with the theme of farewell there, because my mother has shown me for her life how much purging it is to consciously say goodbye, no matter how hard at times. She had said goodbye to her youngest daughter, my sister Wanda, when she was only 30 years old. My mother had also said goodbye — and distance — to her only sister for 40 years. Farewell to her work as a mathematics teacher when she couldn't go to the classroom after a serious car accident. And video calling and teaching via zoom was really not an option.

In that week between her death and her last trip, I wrote a letter to my younger self because my mother showed me a wise lesson: Alzheimer's is not a curse, nor degrading.. which I had thought for years..

I now share with you the two examples of this letter to explain how I came to see Alzheimer's as a blessing.

On June 23, 2015, my mother heard the message that my husband was leaving me and my children because he had met another woman with whom he wanted to share for the rest of his life. This was a shock to my mom. My parents then lived in the Secret of our farmhouse and she called at 11 a.m. Completely upset, disrupted, hand in front of her mouth, deep disbelief in her damp eyes.

I was terrible to see her like this, felt powerless, was still in shock from my upcoming divorce myself.. I reassured her that it would be okay with me and the kids. That she didn't have to worry. At 12 o'clock she was back at my door.. and I felt so powerless seeing her like that again. .. At 1 p.m.. 14 pm.. 15 hours.. same. I was at the end of my Latin to see her suffer like that.

Until after this fifth time I realized it was the sixth time I felt what I felt for me.. but for my mother it was always the first time. That sixth time I felt lighter, who suffered here six times?? Not my mom..

Another moment was a year later.
When I went to visit her sister, who lived with her daughter, my cousin. My aunt, my mother's sister, had Alzheimer's disease too. It was clear that the sisters might not be able to meet after that day.

I had a box of old photos and it was a very nice morning. There was laughter, memories, and the sisters were joking, the dementia was completely imperceptible.. and yet again not, because my cousin and I looked at each other with astonishment when both sisters clearly had no knowledge of all those years that they didn't want each other anymore view. They had the thickest fun. In the car, back home, my mom spent an hour, talking about the fun time with her sister. So the visit had proved to be very beneficial. In the letter to my younger myself, I tell young Saskia that there is a moment in my life where I am deeply shocked by and put myself on a hard journey when my mother is going to dementate.. and that I don't have to look at it because I will eventually see something very important: the power of perspective. What does perspective? What glasses do I look through?? Who's suffering??

The dementia in my mother made her own way let us say goodbye to her. Seamlessly matches the woman my mother really was: judgeless, loving and patient. That's how I started seeing dementia as a blessing. To say goodbye step by step to someone I couldn't miss.

Dementia is a disease that is increasing every day around the world. It's like a pandemic. The glasses you look at ultimately determines how you experience it. I hope this gives you a perspective that allows you to step out of powerlessness in difficult situations and embrace acceptance.

#liberty   #acceptance   #perspective   #lifelessons