Is anyone thinking about me?
Papa part III
Saturday 5 October 2019
Saturday night I sit quietly on the couch. Tired from working all week and the worries I have to bear. Worries that feel more and more like a (pressure) on my neck and shoulders. The pain that keeps on. Taking my rest in time, doing yoga exercises, going to physiotherapy and watching my breathing gives me a temporary relief... but I still take the worries with me like a heavy bag on my back. I put that bag on my back every day hoping that the pressure will decrease, but instead more and more are coming. That feeling of concern, rather a sense of responsibility, is now too much for me. Because I'm the only person in the family who's single, I also feel obliged to take care of my parents. And face the fact that I'm alone. While I sit quietly on the couch, I am overwhelmed by a feeling of heaviness. The heavy bag I have to carry on my back is my emotions. There's a lot of things going through me. How much can a human being handle? Dealing with the fact that you have to mourn someone who's still alive? A parent who gets overwhelmed by loneliness because the partner no longer lives at home, separated from each other in a forced way because my father's health situation doesn't allow him to live safely at home with my mother.
Besides that, I have to think about performing well at work while all this is going on. Without showing too much of my emotions (which I have to carry like a heavy bag). It's hard for me to keep my focus on the things I do and sometimes feel insecure because of it. In my work, family and myself.
Besides this, I'm trying to be ready for my sisters and my brother. But having my hands full with my parents and my new job makes me feel like I'm missing them.
In addition, after a two-year break that I'm still healing from, I try to be open to a relationship. But it seems like I don't see anyone who suits me best. The need for affection grows without any response from anyone. And the feeling of loneliness begins to grow. Sharing something I'm going through right now with someone I like. But I didn't run into that person. I'm staring at me...
And try to embrace my emotions as a friend and go through it. I feel the pain. And the pressure needs to be out. The tears are starting to roll over my cheeks. And it just keeps going. It's not an option to stop now. The heavy backpack is already starting to feel a little less heavy. But I can still feel the pressure. Is this something I should always do alone? And don't I give too much of myself to others? The energy that just keeps radiating out of me. Give and worry about others? Lost I stare in front of me. While I'm doing that, I wonder, but who's thinking about me?
#papa
#parkinson
#lewybodydementie
#emoties
#pijn
#helen
#groeien
#hetleven
#omhelsjezelf
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Ingrid
4 years ago
Veel sterkte! Gisteren was iets op tv over rouwen op het werk. Dat daar vaak niet de gelegenheid voor word gegeven. Toen dacht ik: "Inderdaad. Ook niet voor andere zaken die gaande zijn."
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Yvonne
4 years ago
Moeilijk en wat naar voor je. Veel sterkte en misschien kun je iets vinden waar je energie van krijgt of plezier in hebt.
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