It's been a tough time. I thought my body was bothering me because of the pills. Especially stiff and a bit difficult to walk, but I didn't know what to expect. Hellish pains from cramps in my legs. I didn't know where it came from, but it hurt incredibly much. There was no arrow to pull. I woke up screaming from the cramp, I really did not dare to go to sleep anymore. But being awake was no fun either. I could not sit, not lie. Nothing was pleasant. In my head, I was strong, but at some point you break. All days I was crying and wondering if this would be my life. Because I didn't feel like that at all. I also planned a weekend getaway with friends. When they came to pick me up, I was in the room crying. I couldn't move anything, only with pain and effort into the car. It was hell. Also how I felt all weekend. It was super fun and we had a lot of fun and had good conversations. But I was in terrible pain. Because of that, I couldn't relax.

Fortunately, I was able to contact the oncologist quite quickly. He asked directly about a medicine I should have received after my radiation, but I didn't have it. The oncologist indicated that the tumor is expanding and there is fluid around it. Since it's in my head, it presses on other signals. And that's where the cramps can come from. When I started taking the pills a few hours later the symptoms became less. It was quite a relief. It's not completely gone yet, but considerably less. And I'm so unbelievably happy about that. I didn't know where to look for it for a second. But now I can relax a little more. Luckily. This was really the deepest valley I've been in and it took about a month.

But as I said before, deep valleys and high peaks. While I felt bad and was really in the pit, my friends were there for me. I didn't have to do anything the weekend and was served on my beckons. They were sweet and open minded. I think we also grew closer together that weekend. But a girlfriend who was really super sweet. She is bold and dares to ask the difficult questions. And also know that I only tell half if it's up to me, but she keeps asking. She is incredibly caring and has made sure that my bedroom is cleaned up at my house. This allows a new bed to be placed and I can go up again. I'm still sleeping on a home care bed, and that mattress is too thin. She arranged a great bed. Actually my dream bed with a super good mattress. I can't wait. It's so sweet and so selfless what she did. And only because I am. And she cares about me. She is special. There are times when I'm all through it, and then I talk to God. I hope he can help me through the difficult times. And he made sure her path crossed me. She's so special in everything she does.

I hope I'll be back on top so we can do fun things and spend time. I still have a road to go. I need to be irradiated again, and of course I will not do that without these drugs. I also need to keep an eye on my blood levels, because they're going to deteriorate a little. I need to double the drugs for that. My kidneys are doing a lot better. But this month there has also been a lot of mental chopping in. I've never known such terrible pains. I hope this is really over. But the fear is still present. If I do have an attack, I panic. I don't want to go back to that feeling, but not everything is gone yet. So there is no escape from it yet. I keep myself calm for the time being. I look forward to moving more. Walking is a little better now and less painful. Tomorrow I go swimming. I look forward to that too. I want to do more and feel a little better than the last few days. Anyway, I know that these terribly deep valleys will always be alternated with high peaks. That keeps me going for now. And I try to make the deep valleys less deep by taking good care of myself.

I'm also trying to look forward again. See what I can do with storytelling. And also to find a connection to my family. They're sweet and really live with me. My brothers regularly send me sweet messages. My oldest sister will come with me to the hospital if I can. It's nice to feel that bond too. I feel very grateful and I would like to say that I do my best to make the most of life. I keep looking positive and forward with my beautiful family and very dear friends around me. #k *nker cancer

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