The answer
Somewhere in the distance I hear shouting. At first, it's still soft, but the shouting keeps getting louder. Until it finally ends in a loud scream. Unfortunately, I am unable to respond. Imprisoned, enthralled and severely oppressed. Hopelessly helpless. Is it me who is screaming? The realization is trickling in. I lost it. I lost myself. Back in the day, not that long ago, I could still do it. Talk to myself. Decidedly give myself comforting answers to the major dilemmas I've been struggling with. After such a conversation, I felt free. Relieved. I cleared the air. Didn't need an outside savior. Did it all by myself.
Where am I? Where did that strong woman go? That supergirl who had an answer to everything. There was no problem too big for her. She always thought in terms of possibilities, no matter how hopeless the situation looked. The only thing she can do now is ask. Pointless. Poor and needy. Without decisiveness. Without getting answers from anyone.
No one hears me. Is my cry smothered by myself? Isn't the answer in one of my life stories? I've been through so much, enough to write seven fat pills and, on top of that, a world of problems. I often said that I could easily write countless autobiographies. The only thing that kept me from doing so was the unbelievability that would come from it. No one would believe that one person could experience so much. So I kept it in my brain.
Had I published it, it would contain advice. Many questions. Many answers. Sometimes via a straight line, often in a detour.
I still have it lying around somewhere. Stored in my memory.
The only thing left for me is to take off the globe and wrestle through the pills. Maybe then I'll find myself. I'm sure.
Just do it. Continue. I've always succeeded, now I can figure it out.
I can already hear myself responding softly.
I'm still a long way from unsubscribing.
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worden zomaar antwoorden gegeven.
Dan denk je: was ik maar gebleven.
Dus ga je door en blijf je streven
om op een dag zonder angst en beven
te beseffen wie jij bent.
Je hebt jezelf herkend
en besluit om permanent
te tonen aan ieder die je kent:
ik ben mezelf en wordt erkend!
Go on, @Dana!