Damage, shame and damaged (1)
Click below for the introduction:
Chapter 1: Afraid, anxious and nervous
“Tap, tap, tap... ', the pen bounces on the paper, which now contains a hundred blue dots. Henry worries. The story he wants to write is really pathetic. Does he even want to be that soulmate? Anyway, his life, how he lived it... No, that's not going to “chew up. “ Do not censor. Wherever possible, some humor. Anyone who wants to read it does not read it, who does not want it. Maybe also afraid of criticism. Afraid, fear,... Things that happen very often in his life. But this is a 'Once in a lifetime story', so Henry for the last time ticks his pen on paper and starts writing again...
In the beginning the new home was pretty bad. Henry and Barry argued quite often, but that can still be seen as normal. At least, what was normal? Henry didn't have a real frame of reference. It was pretty much what he was used to, but now without a father. As far as you could call someone like that father. The remark of a mother's aunt to Barry: “Actually, you're a little head of the family now,” she should have left out. In the long run, Barry would become more and more boss himself...
Family hardly ever came there. In Giethoorn almost never and now only sporadically. The aunt mentioned aunt, Aunt Mia came once a few times and again a couple of uncles and aunts. Apart from the fact that they lived in the south of the country, there were more reasons that almost never came family, more about that later. However, Uncle Bob and Aunt Els came quite often. It's a younger sister from father's side. They never let them down, to this day. However, several times they have said that they are not able to handle the quarrels between the two brothers. In itself understandable...
Barry was in college, and Henry went to L.T.S. Things weren't going well. Not in private, but not in school. Henry was scared. Always scared, anxious and nervous. In the 15 years he was young, he had never known anything but fear. At school, he was the youngest, everywhere. And he had to stand himself among the big boys in the classroom, in the cafeteria, on the playground. He wasn't part of anything. And in the cafeteria, Henry sat down at a table, alone or with boys he didn't know but who left him alone. That gave a sense of security. When a lesson started, they went to the appropriate room. Often the teacher came only later. That sometimes took up to fifteen minutes or more, depending on the teacher in question. Those were really long minutes. There were school bags tossed, shouted, something was taken out of your bag, flaming “airplanes “or whatever misery. You might say bad boys. But for Henry, this was unbearable, for whatever reason. Also being quiet did not help. That made you extra noticeable. “ Pacific waters have deep grounds,” he was regularly told. He had one comrade, Patrick. That was his support and support. Patrick was often the jack, but at least he wasn't afraid. When the teacher came in, this was a huge relief. At least for a while. Because then the excitement came again that you didn't finish your homework. Henry himself didn't even know why he didn't. In hindsight it is not so difficult, if you look at the home situation... And you never heard of ADD and anxiety disorder. Let alone Henry knew his brother had autism. Barry didn't even know that.
Most teachers didn't care if you could come along, let alone what your personal situation was. Well, except for a few. How different was it in elementary school, in a class of nine kids. But also there regularly the fear of the reaction of the master, because of the homework. Henry could never put himself to it, not hold his head, it just didn't work. Barry did. He spent days learning, his desk taped all around with newspapers, so you wouldn't see him. Terribly boring, like you didn't have a brother. One of the moments that Henry had stayed with from elementary school was that Master Tuber gave an assignment. Henry had dreamed away, stared outside. Just totally absent... And then “PATS! “ The fist of master tuber on the table, with the words: “JOH!” A moment of terror for such a child that cannot be conceivable, aware of no harm. Fear... Yes, always. Whether it was from the school dentist, school doctor or the worst nightmare, swimming lesson. With that huge big, filthy, green slide, which was already a long way above the water. Depending on the mood of your schoolmaster or lifeguard or miss, you had to get rid of it or not. And then that hook... For many quite recognizable probably. Along the side, such a screaming kenau walked along, on white nuggets. All in white, by the way, like in a morgue. It seems that Henry has continually 'Help! 'during back swimming. called. He didn't even notice this and could hardly hear himself with his ears underwater anyway. This was very entertaining for the (bath) masters and ma'am, apparently. Henry was laughed at, also by his brother, who thought it was necessary to tell this creamy at home. Yes, in addition, Barry had betrayed him once when the frightened boy hid under a closet, once again afraid of swimming lessons. Instead of someone asking the kid what was wrong...
